Page 127 of Night Songs

’Cause I’m there with you

As our singing tapered off and dissipated in the air like smoke from a thin candle, my phone screen glowed 9:03.

I braced for the man to approach me, to take his cold hands and pry open my mouth. Pour the pills down my throat.

I waited for a long time, but nothing came. When I opened my eyes, I saw only Hess sitting next to me.

9:33 glowed from the screen.

“It could still happen.”

Hess didn’t nod or protest. She just sat there with me, in the feeling.

“If this is all in my head, why does every woman in my family die at 33? How is that possible, if there isn’t something else happening here? How do you explain it?”

Hess paused. “I don’t know that everything can be explained.”

“What about the man in white? And the dog?”

I had never told Hess about them, but she seemed to know. “When you were little, you were surrounded by Lou’s music, includingThe Cursed Womanalbum. I think those images were put in your head at a very early age.”

It was possible, but I could feel my mind resisting the notion. What about the other people online who had seen the man in white? It stillfelt like something larger. I traced my birthmark. “What about this mark?”

Hess studied it. “Your mother told me her birthmark came from what happened to her mother while she was still in the womb. And so it follows that yours would come from something that happened to your mother while you were still inside her.” She smiled. “That looks exactly like the tree limb outside my bedroom window that Lou climbed to save me from my wedding.”

I imagined the scene, and it was like watching a fairy tale unfold: a tiny, feral woman scales a tree to rescue her maiden from an unhappy life.Thisfelt like truth—it didn’t try to reason away the uncertainty. There was still something magical and elusive happening here, but perhaps not in the way I thought.

“I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is that your mother didn’t die at 33. We know that from the tape. And you don’t have to die now. You can keep living for a long time, if that’s your choice.”

I imagined trudging through the next few years as I had the last six months. Even if Hess was right, and I could keep living like this, why would I? Who would choose to live in constant fear? It was painful and exhausting—it drained me every day, leaving me aching and empty. What kind of life was that? And how could I bring a child into it?

I must have looked hopeless, because Hess said, “I know it’s going to be hard, and sometimes you might want to end it all. But we can find you the right help. And you’ll have me. And Micah. And this baby, if you want to keep it. Think of what you’d be giving up.” Hess took my hand in hers. “I’m saying that I believe this is real for you, and I want to help you live and thrive in that reality. It’s what I should have told your mother years ago. If I had, maybe she’d be with us right now. Maybe we’d be going through this together. Or maybe not.” She wiped away a tear. “But dammit, I’m here now.”

I imagined the life the fortune teller had foretold, of the mountains and the women and the little girl. The man with bright eyes.

Micah’s devastated face appeared in my mind. Would he ever forgive me for hurting him? For leaving? How could he still love me? I’d done things believing that I would never see him again.

And none of this changed the fact that he wanted to commit me against my will. I still refused to be locked up.

“What is it?”

“I’m afraid of seeing Micah. After what I’ve done. It all feels too broken. Like it would still be better if I just disappeared.”

“But Rhea—”

“Think about what I’ve put him through. He must be in so much agony, not knowing where I am. How could he ever take me back? How could he ever love me after this?”

“Rhea, he knows where you are.”

“What?”

“I’ve been updating him. He knows I’m with you, and I’m keeping you safe.”

“But why would he let you do that, after he tried to check me into that facility—”

“I made a deal with him.”

“But why—”