Page 92 of In What World

“I’m sorry,” I say, squeezing her again. “I just didn’t want to miss my chance to say that. It’s been too long.”

When we’re done with our crying and hugging, Jaz introduces me to her fiancée, Kira. The three of us fall into an effortless conversational rhythm. There is no tension or even awkwardness, when both would be more than earned. It’s the kind of generosity I’d forgotten can exist, too jaded by my own life to see that it still does.

“You two should come stay with me in LA this summer,” I tell them. “I’d love to have you.”

Jaz looks to Kira. “We’ve been wanting to go there.”

“My place is yours to stay at whenever you’d like,” I say. “And we’re due for a proper catch-up, too. I’ve got some free time.”

“I can’t believe you’re back in Garden Meadows,” Jaz says, knowing exactly how much it means to have me here.

“What wouldn’t I do for Dallas Winthrop?” I look toward the stage, where the Memory Machine lies waiting.

Jaz leans in. “You’ll tell me what really happened, right?”

“Of course I will,” I say without a second thought. My secrets have always been Jaz’s, too. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that. But not anymore.

Finally, it’s my time with my Marlowe.

We don’t kiss when she reaches me. Not because I don’t want to, but because all the people here think she was dating Alice just a few days ago. They don’t know the lifetimes we’ve lived since then. And we haven’t discussed if kissing is the kind of thing we can do in public. We haven’t discussed anything, really. Except, you know, all the soul-deep conversations we had throughout the multiverse.

We stand here, burning energy between us, until she initiates the hug. I hold her tight, and the tears that belong to Detective Jane, and Cilla Cove, and every Priscilla we met along the way rush to the surface.

“I’m really fucking proud of you,” I say.

“I’m fucking proud of myself,” she says back. “And I’m proud of you, too.”

“I don’t care that my agent dropped me,” I tell her. “I’ll find a different agent. I just want to keep fighting for the chance to do the work I love.”

“Yes,” she says.

“I’m not done,” I say.

“Of course you’re not.”

“And neither are you,” I remind her.

“Okay, then,” she says.

“Okay, then.”

And then she does it.

She kisses me.

It’s nothing like our other kisses. There is something here that’s so undeniably real and strong I can almost taste it. It’s the kind of thing I’ve always wondered if I’d be able to recognize, because I’ve never been sure I’ve felt it before. But I feel it now. It’s as obvious as it is simple. I want to be with her. No matter what.

We pull apart at the same time, our hands interlocked around each other’s forearms as we stare at the other person’s mouth, wondering which one of us will be brave first. Whose role is it?

Just as I start, Marlowe overlaps me, louder and sharper, as she says, “We need to break up.”

“Last I checked, we weren’t even dating,” I say.

This gets her to let go of me. “No, I know. I know. I just…what’s a Hollywood star going to do with a woman who lives in Garden Meadows? Our lives are so different. I know you’ve just had this big realization, and I am so on board with it, so unbelievably in support of you going and proving your pointand reminding everyone in LA why you are who you are, but I don’t see that life for me. Being up on the stage tonight, I do want to perform again. But I don’t need to be at the top of the ladder, whatever that means, to have it be meaningful. I just want to audition for the summer community theater show. So I can’t be the one to hold you back.”

“I don’t know about you, but when I walk through alternate universes with someone, I feel a little compelled to stick around,” I say. “And I have some free time. I don’t need to hop on the next flight back to the West Coast and start my quest for resurgence. Most everything’s online now anyway, so I can start searching for a new agent and auditioning again from anywhere. And besides, if we ever need more time than we have, we can always use the Memory Machine.”

I expect a counterargument or, better yet, a passionate embrace of this speech.