Page 76 of That Summer Feeling

“You felt everything,” she continued. “And sometimes it was like you were feeling it for me too. So I wanted to help you. I wanted you to know that it didn’t have to be pain all the time.”

I’d really seen my sister all wrong. She had the softest heart of anyone I knew. I’d always known she’d been protecting me. All that time, I’d been protecting her too. “We had to be the way we were,” I said. “And look at us now.”

“Adults at summer camp!”

“Exactly.”

Our heads connected as we watched other campers toss their discarded feelings into the flames. Dara was my first teammate. Mysister.

Across the flames, Stevie and her brothers worked on their papers. They threw them together, laughing as Frank’s collided with Stevie’s in the middle of the fire. I wondered what was on her paper. But I knew I didn’t have to read it. Because it was her pain to lose. And I’d be there in the aftermath.

It was hard to go to sleep that night. Holding Stevie, I didn’t want to close my eyes. To sleep would be to bring theend. So instead I thought about all the things I’d loved in my life. Everything that had ever brought me joy. I hoped for some great revelation to come with it. Some obvious purpose for me that existed outside of camp.

The truth was, I still had no idea what I wanted my life to be after camp ended. I just knew it needed to involve Stevie.

Day Six of Summer Camp

36

Our last morning was quiet. No Michelle at the couch working. No Stevie on a hike. We all stayed in the cabin, letting the morning rise with us, packing up our stuff and clearing out together.

Checkout was at eleven. Enough time for one last breakfast and a lot of hugs. The twins left the last morning’s schedule completely open. No rituals or traditions other than goodbyes. The way we wanted to execute that was up to us.

Reality had begun to sneak in, bleeding onto the edges of the utopia of camp. Down the mountain, Dara had all but built a permanent wing for me in her home. I took comfort in knowing that existed, but I needed to find my own direction. The only way to do that, I knew, was to take the risk and leave.

When it came time for me to wheel my luggage back to my car, against the sadness, I’d developed a weird sort of hope. Ilooked forward to the challenge of what awaited me. It was a bit like starting at the beginning of an obstacle course I never imagined I’d complete.

For the first time in a week, I saw my car, with myhonk if you’re divorcedsticker displayed on my bumper. It no longer seemed as funny to me as it used to be. I’d been trying so hard to wear my pain as a badge of honor. But it hurt to fail. It hurt to lose. It didn’t matter how loudly I laughed about it or how much I tried to tap-dance over the truth.

Maybe one day I’d laugh again about being a divorcée. Maybe it would suit me later in life, like dressing youthfully suited me now. At the moment, I didn’t want to be defined that way anymore. I ripped the sticker off my car.

The goodbyes began in earnest. Michelle left first. I hugged her beside the picnic tables, right in the place where we’d met six days prior.

Then Julianne.

Aja and Marge.

Andrew, Frank, and Mason.

One by one, my friends made their way back to the world beyond Camp Carl Cove, driving down the dirt road and into the land of cell phone reception and obligations. I stayed put. I wanted to be the last person left. Close the camp down and walk through the grounds with the cleaning crew. Savor every last bit of what we’d all created here.

After Stevie sent her brothers off, she made sure to walk toward me as slowly as possible. She knew I needed that. Saying goodbye to her in any form seemed impossible. I didn’tknow how I’d speak those words. Looking at her giant backpack once again cresting over her head, it reminded me of how she’d crashed into my life. How could I ever send her off?

“Guess the alliance is over,” I said when she finally reached me. It sounded so wrong, I wished I could swallow it back and start again.

She pulled the rock from her pocket. “Say that to his face, Garland.”

“Sorry, Rock the rock. The alliance is forever.” I squinted to see her against the morning sun. “Summer camp really does end, doesn’t it?”

“It has every other time I’ve been here, at least,” she told me.

“Sucks,” I said emptily.

“It’s the worst part.”

The twins found us. They had on their camp shirts again, and so did I. The way we matched made me so proud. I was a part of the fabric of this place.

“You two.” I hugged the twins so hard I could feel every muscle in my arms straining through the effort. “You have changed my life. I have never had better passengers. Ever.”