Page 80 of Love Scenes

We get inside, away from the cameras, and he tries to explain. To act like it’s fine. It’s so preposterous that he’s doing this, so monumentally ridiculous that it snaps me back into myself. Where there was confusion there’s now anger, near boiling.

“What thefuck?” I spit out, interrupting his empty monologuing on how no one thinks anything of what he said, and it happens all the time.

He stops, stunned. He has never seen me mad. Not like this. Not in my claws-out way. At least not that he remembers.

That’s not true. I never gave him the satisfaction of this vitriol in Ireland. It wasn’t worth my energy.

Now it is.

“I told you we had to keep it cool at work,” I say, whisper-yelling. “I know there’s a lot happening between us, but fuck. We have one fucking week left of this shoot. One! And now the entire cast and crew of this production thinks you are in love with me!”

“Because I am!” he whisper-shouts back, instantly on my level. A worthy, passionate opponent to my rage, both of us battling between wanting to scream and trying to ensure no one hears us. “Of course I love you, Sloane! Christ, every goddamn thing I’ve done isbecause I love you! I make the mistake of saying it, andthat’sthe deal breaker for you? That I slipped up a line of dialogue in the heat of the moment?”

“Everybody is on set right now! It’s not just our crew today!Fuck. My whole family is here!”

“You think me saying I love you is what’s gonna clue your family into what’s going on? Not your fingers in my hair at the gala, or the way you sang each word of every song directly into my mouth, for chrissake! Or how you held my hand and marched me through that entire room? Or the way you look at me, like every word I say is something you’re not gonna miss, no matter who else is talking? You don’t think any of that means something?”

“Don’t get smart with me. If we’re talking things people do, who showed up with three hundred dollars’ worth of flowers and chocolates to a band rehearsal? That sure as hell wasn’t me.”

“God, Sloane. You’re right! Gestures of affection. What a repulsive thing to do for someone I care about! Someone Ilove.”

“Will you stop using that word for one second?” I say, rubbing my temples. “I get it. You think you love me. Understood.”

“I don’tthinkanything. I know. I was listening to every word you said to me before we sang. And everything you said to me in that hotel room.Mine. Mine. Mine.”

“Don’t,” I say, putting up a hand.

“If you’re expecting me to take it back, I won’t be doing that. It wouldn’t matter if we never touched again. I told you that when we first started this. I told you everything. Not always with words, but...” He peters out, hoping to drop us down a level.

“And I told you that set life isn’t real life,” I argue. “This is all fucking make-believe.”

He paces back and forth in the small corner he’s marked as his side of the trailer, his side of the fight. “I tried to see yououtside of this place and you wouldn’t let me! You create all these rules for yourself. You don’t do period pieces. You won’t go below the belt here. I can’t say this or that. Then you break all of them anyways, and I follow your actions instead of your rules, and you’re too stubborn to admit I’m right!” His hands reach for his hair. “I’m fuckin’ right!”

“Says the guy who won’t do a comedy because he’s afraid no one will laugh at him!” On my side is the whiskey from his dad, which I pick up and shake. “Maybe you’re the one who holds on to too much. Did you ever think of that?” I put the bottle back down. “Sometimes it’s better to let go.” He has no idea what to do with that. The upper hand is mine, and for a moment I relish in it. “Just because you love me doesn’t mean I have to love you back.”

He laughs. Full and throaty, louder than we’ve been for the entire fight. “You think you’re slick. Trying to hit me where it hurts.”

“It’s been six weeks, Joe. People don’t fall in love that fast.”

“There you go again. Another rule.”

“Cute.”

“You know full well we’ve known each other for years.” His eyes narrow. “I want you to tell me why this can’t happen. Truly. Say it with your whole voice, Sloane. And if you use your family as an excuse, it’s bullshit. Those people will love you through it all, judging by the fuck-twat with the guitar that was your last suitor. So your mam thought you wanted to sleep with me. What’s it matter? Costars sleep together all the time. This is more than that and you know it. I know you do.” He’s shaking his head, staring at the carpet as he stops treading ground to instead tap his fingers together. “You want to be the one to ruin this, don’t you? That’s what it is. You wanna make sure you get out of this aheadof me. No matter how much good there is between us, you only want to see the bad.”

That’s not true, I think, remembering the way he laughed when he couldn’t get off his pants. Such a ridiculous thing to recall right now. To think of him so candid. Guard down, ready for anything. The memory is barely a day old and it already hurts me. It’s miles away from where we stand in this moment.

Hot tears push up from the center of my throat.

“I take it back. You must be right. It must be better to let go, because right now I don’t wanna be anywhere near you,” he says.

“Hold on,” I force out. His hand is on the trailer door, ready to make an exit.

“What?”

He’s looking at me, waiting for me to tell him why it is I think that we won’t work. Or to fight for why we would. But I’m such a coward. I can only say what I mean until it really matters. Then I don’t have any words at all.

Joseph nods, tears rimming his eyes. “Right then. I’ll see you back on set, Sloane.”