Page 44 of What You Left Me

Novemeber 12

Mom and Dad and Katie,

Go on a road trip to visit my aunts and uncles. I’m dead but I’ll come because it will still be a good time. I’ll win every game of I Spy, and nobody can get mad because you won’t even know I’m cheating. Sorry, Katie.

Please don’t be sad. I hate when Katie cries. I don’t want my mom to cry. I love her very much. I’ve never seen my dad cry so he’ll probably be okay I guess. Katie told me Grandpops smiled when he died. You guys can smile now. I miss him very much, so I know you miss me too but Grandpops smiled because he was happy. You can be happy too. Give some of my stuff to Spitty. He can have my books. Let Turrey have my shoes. Chris can have my candy wrappers or something.

I liked being your son and brother. Rembemeber that and do not be sad or mean! Tell the Cubs to win the World Series for me. That is my only request. Also, ask them to play “Jump” for me and my dad. Dad can sing it very loudly like when it comes on the radio in the car or when he cooks bacon on Sundays. He has a bad voice, but he likes to sing when he is happy. I like to sing that with him.

Please be nice. You were a very good family.

Love,

Martin Frederick McGee

Spencer comes around from his state to snatch the last paper from my hands. “You don’t need to read mine,” he says. Then he looks at me. Really looks. Hard. It’s a focus he hasn’t displayed since I met him.

“I didn’t find out about these letters the way I told you,” I admit. I tell him about my dreams.

As soon as I finish explaining, he scowls at me. He doesn’t believe. His heart wants to, I’m sure, but he’s too damaged to listen to it. Instead, he lets angry words flow out of him. It seems that he might be trying to scream at the world for being so senselessly cruel, but only random fragments are coming out, which just elevates his frustration. “He told me to stop thinking of it! Tell me how I’m supposed to do that!” he yells as he grabs at his hair.

I look around for help. There isn’t a nurse in sight.

“Hey!” Spencer yells at me. “Don’t look away.” Now his words make sense. “You think you can help? You don’t know the first thing about anything.”

I try not to react, but it doesn’t matter, because he moves on to berating Cameron for “standing around and acting like she knows me too.”

Brooke for “sleeping with Chris before prom and still going with Fly.”

Aminah for “crossing her arms like that.”

We all look at one another, puzzled, working hard to not feed into his frenzy.

Spencer moves on to Turrey. “Wipe that look off your face,” he says, smiling so big I can see most of his molars. “You think you’re so much better than me because you weren’t in the car. Guess what? I know the real reason you didn’t come with us after graduation.”

Daniel and Turrey fidget at the exact same time.

“Exactly,” Spencer says in response. “I saw you guys on your roof.” He points to Turrey. “You knew I was coming to egg your house on Thursday. It’s tradition. Did you think I skipped you on accident?”

Cameron grabs my forearm. Her palm is slick with sweat.

“I parked my car because I was trying to figure out what you were doing,” Spencer continues. “I thought maybe you were waiting up there with eggs you were gonna throw back at me, and I was actually pretty impressed. But nothing happened. You guys went in through the window. You didn’t close it after. I got out to throw my eggs inside your room, because how epic is that? Would’ve been my best work yet. And I heard you guys.” He pauses. “Yeah.Heard.”

“So what?” Turrey responds. “I like guys. Big deal. I know you’re not about to try and make me feel bad about it.”

Brooke starts looking around the room, trying to find someone to share in this news with her, but we’re all too focused on what’s happening.

“Daniel’s not the reason I didn’t want to leave graduation early, so you don’t know what you’re even talking about,” Turrey continues. “Maybe I wanted to give my mom and dad a hug for always being there for me. Maybe I wanted to celebrate the fact that I’m black and I made it out of high school alive. Maybe I knew your sad ass would do something you’d regret.” He nods. “Yep. It’s all three of those things.”

Spencer looks down at his hands. It’s stone-cold silent. Like aget nervous to think anything because you’re afraid your thoughts can be heardkind of silent.

“You can’t try to hurt us worse than you’re hurting,” Turrey tells him. “It doesn’t work like that.”

Like the flick of a switch, Spencer starts sobbing. Almost convulsing he’s crying so hard. He can’t breathe out of his nose, but he keeps reaching for it to wipe snot away then remembering it’s too tender to touch, frustrating himself more. “I’m sorry,” he says through the constant stream of tears. “I don’t care that you’re gay.” His eyes scan over the rest of us. “What the hell is gonna happen to Marty? I can’t lose him. I can’t.” He hiccups over his tears. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t—”

This continues for so long that two nurses come in. They give us looks that say,Please leave. As we walk out, the racket from Spencer’s room quiets, like he’s been put to sleep.

Part Three