Page 92 of Don't Be in Love

“Next time. I’m not prepared enough. I’ll keep Iris and Dotty company while you’re both gone,” I reassured them.

“If you see James or Dorian, youhaveto tell me!” Sabrina shouted.

“I’ll definitely let you know if I somehow run into Dorian Blackwood on the street,” I said.

“Has James mentioned him recently? Or said anything about Victoria Sutton? She hasn’t been seen with Dorian in a while. And seeing as she didn’t even bother showing up to the Townsen Dinner or the Halloween party, it couldn’t bethatserious.” She shook her head, folding a tweed jacket. “That article did speculate that he was single again.” She slapped the top of my hand to get my attention. “You must keep me updated if you see him or if James mentions him.”

“Alright!”

I couldn’t stopthinking about him. Our last week of tutoring was brief. I made an effort to change the topic anytime it wasn’t related to the exam. Even his texts were difficult to ignore, especially when I hadwantedto give him my number after he pulled that umbrella open. The blue-gray telephone booth keychain was hidden in my bag at the bookstore so that he wouldn’t point it out.

So much guilt.

Guilt for betraying Brina.

Guilt for pushing Dorian away,again.

But I wasterrified. This urge to touch him, to tell him how handsome he looked, to ask him about his plans for Christmas break with James to Italy. It was suffocating. The less I saw him, the more I dreamed about him. The only solution was to completely close myself off. Once finals week ended last week, itwas easy on the tongue to tell him that I’d be busy. Even with the Red Sox keychain hanging from his trousers.

I shouldn’t have to make an excuse. Our deal was complete. He’d probably call or text, maybe even show up to throw something at my balcony, but he’d give up at some point.

Brina dragged her designer suitcase into the hallway. Crisp whites, pale blues, light greens, and pastel pinks sprinkled the brown interior as we carefully packed the piles away.

“Adelaide.”

I registered her serious tone and looked up.

“I’m worried about you.”

I grew a soft smile. “I’ll be fine here, don’t worry.”

“It’s not that.” Her short blond hair swayed as she shook her head. “I know you enjoy your alone time and can take care of yourself here. It’s what you’re avoiding by staying here that worries me.”

“Avoiding what?”

“Going home.”

I returned to packing the clothes away. “You know I don’t consider that home,” I shook my head. Two months since I sent that postcard and still no response from my aunt.

“I meant your parents.”

It was as if she stabbed the portion of my heart that had been decaying for the past nine years. A sharp knife against a ragged, wrinkled heart that didn’t know how to pump blood anymore.

I stared at her in disbelief. “You can’t be serious.”

She continued, “What if you let them back in your life? They could’ve changed.They’re your parents. They love you.”

“People don’t change, Sabrina. You have an incredible family, but mine will never be that way. They don’t care. One of them left to have new kids while the other gave up because she enjoyed sleeping and drinking more than she did parenting. I refuse to believe they acted that way becauseof love.Love justgives the people close to you an excuse to inflict pain without consequences. I’m trying to forget about them but forgiving them won’t do that.”

“You’re letting them control your life, Addy.”

That wasrichcoming from her. “How?They have no idea what’s even going on in my life.”

“Because you’ve completely shut yourself out from any chance of attachment and now you won’t even admit when you’re in love!”

My mouth fell open, and the cinnamon smell suddenly made my stomach turn.

“I know you’re in love with James and I can see you trying to pull away from it and don’t try to tell me you’re not becauseI know.I’ve seen the way you tense up at these events that he’s at and how weird you act the days following. Or how you go out when Mia and I have plans because the next morning on the way to my 8 a.m., Maureen likes to mention the pretty boy who walked you home”—holy shit—“I also don’t think you’ve been sleeping well because of it since you’re drinking coffee all of a sudden and you hate coffee. You’re letting your preconceived notions of love and relationships affect this when you could be taking a chance.”