Page 46 of Left on Read

Eventually, they fade away. Until I blink, that is. Then they’re right behind my eyelids. So much more vivid than those bad dreams, because I never dream about them together.

When we get to Esha’s house, Luke is fast asleep in the back of her car.

“Come get your friend, please,” she huffs at Hayes as we makeour way to the door to her basement. This is why we come to her house: Her basement is basically its own apartment, and the separate door means no awkward midnight interactions with her parents.

“You look better,” I tell Piper as she walks past me. There’s a certain awareness in her eyes that I haven’t seen in a couple of hours.

“Yeah.” She burps, right in my face. Gross. “I threw up.”

I chuckle, counting heads as everyone makes their way down the stone path to the side of the house. Hayes has to practically carry Luke. He’s going to be desperately hungover tomorrow.

Esha unlocks the door and holds it open while we all file in. The space is dark and drafty, but the quiet is blissful. Hayes throws Luke down on a corner of the sectional, and he curls up in the fetal position.

“Well, that was fun,” Hayes mutters darkly.

“I’ll get them some water and let you guys … talk.” Esha shuffles to the mini fridge in the kitchenette.

Other than the sofa Piper and Luke have sprawled all over, there’s really no place to sit. So I let myself lower to the one of the carpeted stairs leading to the rest of the house. Hayes sits down next to me, and I rest my feet on the step below us. He rests his two steps down.

“Did they … do something to you?” Hayes asks. He’s not meeting my eyes, and that’s a me thing to do, not a him thing, so it worries me. “I’ve never seen you look like that.”

I stare up at the shadowed ceiling. My fingers pick at frayed strings in the carpet instead of picking at my skin. It’s not the same.

“Yeah,” I say, because I don’t know how to tell anyone about this. Esha is the only one who knows. I just know I can’t tell him no, because they absolutelydiddo something to me. “They weren’t good for me. Either of them. I should’ve seen that earlier and realized it sooner, before I’d almost destroyed my entire life. Twice.”

His eyebrows raise. I’m still staring at the ceiling, and I see it in my peripheral vision. I can feel his surprise.

“Destroyed your life. What does that mean?” He shifts closer, drops one elbow to the stair above where we’re sitting and leans back on it.

“It wasn’t so bad at first. With him.” I still can’t say either of their names. “He was just wrong for me. I was naive. He couldn’t handle anyone being smarter than him. And, God, I was smarter.”

Hayes chuckles, and he’s close enough that that rush of air hits my neck.

“Or maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I just worked harder. But either way, he couldn’t take it. He was at Campbell winning awards and being the best at everything, but he hated that I was at Endeavour succeeding in the accelerated program. I couldn’t mention college or school in general or anything I cared about without him giving me shit. ‘Do you really think the early college program at a community college is that impressive?’ Stuff like that. ‘It barely counts, Nova,calm down.’ “

Hayes nods. I finally search for his eyes again, and they’re oddly sad. Kind of forlorn. “I remind you of him, don’t I.” It’s not a question; it’s a statement. A foregone conclusion.

Except it’s absolutely fucking not. “No.” I almost spit. “You’re nothing like him.”

We’re silent for a second, then a horrible memory takes over: sabotage.

“Okay, once,” I tell him. “Once, you were like him.”

He inhales a sharp intake of breath, and I don’t think either of us can believe I’m actually bringing this up. We’ve never talked about it, not really.

“Your car,” he whispers.

“Yeah. That was something he’d do. When that happened, it was right after he and I had broken up, and it felt like I couldn’t get away from him. Like he’d always win. And then—likeyou’dalways win.”

His face falls forward into his hands. It’s hard to reconcile the guy sitting next to me with the one who did that. It’s almost like they’re different people entirely.

But then I hear Esha’s voice in my head, telling me he’s still someone I have to be careful around.

“I’m so sorry.” He looks me right in the eye, as if he’s pleading with me to understand. This is an apology I thought I’d never get, so I listen. “I should’ve never done it. I justknewI’d lose, and I kept thinking about how disappointed my parents would be. And instead of being pissed at myself, or them, I put all of that onyou,and I decided it was acceptable to undermine you. It’s incomprehensible to me now. Nova, I regret it. It was wrong. It was so wrong. Why couldn’t I accept losing? What’s so fucking bad about losing? I’ve asked myself that a lot, and I’ve decided I would rather lose every time than be that kind of guy. I will never, ever, ever be disrespectful to you like that again.Ever.You are brilliant. And you deserve to be brilliant.”

Hayes begins running his fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends. He’s always so calm and collected, it’s strange to see him rattled like this.

“Okay,” I say. I don’t know what else to say. My brain doesn’t have the space to process all of that right now. The best I can do is acknowledge it.