Page 80 of Counting the Days

“I’m sorry,” he said.

She turned and opened her door. They stood still for a moment, each waiting for the other to say something. Neither spoke; Rhea walked inside and closed her door. She felt the dull ache of her heart splitting in half, and there was nothing she could do about it. Her phone buzzed, and her stomach lurched, desperate for it to be Danny.

It was the Ada-Tiny-Rhea-Zoe text chain. Ada had sent a picture of her newborn with the message:He’s finally here! Obinna Achebe-Miller! 11 ponds and 6 ounces!!!!! Huge!!!! I am in a lotttttta good drugssssss!!!!

Through her love of Ada, Rhea found the strength to fire off hearts, balloons, and smiley faces.

82Days

Rhea spent three months goingfrom her bed to Topanga General and back to her bed. She could not see friends; she could not hike; she could barely even speak to Louisca. He got used to their quiet coexistence in the store and was kind enough to give her space.

When Danny was her boyfriend, she’d taken a break from her therapist and her life coach; she could not imagine spending one extra second away from Danny. Now she knew she should start the sessions back up again but could not imagine spending one extra second away from her bed.

She was completely hollowed out by loss; she dropped weight and wore stained sweatpants to work in her designer clothing store. Halfway through the first month, she could not take the pain of waking up anymore. She longed to soothe herself and sent an ill-advised text to Danny:I miss you so much

She watched the ellipsis appear and disappear on his end of the chain. Her feverish longing to hear his voice almost made her dial his number. Finally, he wrote back:I can’t do this. I can’t drag this out. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you but I will hurt you more in the long run if I don’t cut this off. Please don’t reach out again. This will get easier.

She cried so hard she made herself throw up. She felt utterly helpless. She’d lost him and could not undo it. She would never be able to convince him she did not want children. Even if she could, she would be lying, and she could not lie to him ever again. There was nothing on this earth that could bring her any solace. Food tasted like sand. Drinking alcohol brought her depression up to scary levels of bleakness—levels she might not survive.

She silenced the Ada-Tiny-Rhea-Zoe text chain; she could not look at another baby photo. They each individually reached out and questioned her lack of activity on the chain; Rhea was surprised they’d actually noticed the absence of emojis. She told them about the Danny breakup and said she was just taking a little bit of time to heal; they were all trying to respect her desire for space.

She felt a fierce, unquenchable need to talk to her mother. She tried to imagine what Sarah would say: “What kind of man doesn’t want kids?”

An obvious reply would hang in the air: “Um, my father…?”

But Rhea would never say that; her mom hated talking about Rhea’s father.

“Eh, Danny’s a coward. Count your blessings you got out when you did. Bullet dodged, sis.”

Her mother always blamed everyone else. She never took responsibility or wanted Rhea to take responsibility for anything. She would never own up to sending Rhea all those encouraging hummingbirds or admonish Rhea for all the lying and manipulation. Not that any of that mattered. Rhea would never know what her mother would say; she did not have a mother.

The worst part was that, throughout all the pain and self-neglect, Rhea’s tea garden continued to thrive. She never wentnear it, but all the herbs were bushy and verdant; sometimes, when she was drinking tea on her deck and the wind picked up, she could smell them. That morning, she looked down and saw two Steves in her yard; one Steve lifted his leg on her garden.

“Good dog,” she said.

It was the first joke she had made since the breakup. She felt relieved she still had a sense of humor. She heard a knock at her door, and even after three interminable months, a wisp of hope that it might be Danny floated through her mind.

She opened the door, and Tiny barged in.

“I can’t take this anymore, dude. I know you asked for space, but I’m too worried about you. You know, we started a new text chain, andall we talk aboutis whether or not we’ve given you enough space yet. And don’t tell them I’m here ’cause they decided we should keep respecting your boundaries, but I went fuckin’ rogue.”

Rhea took in her dear, feisty friend and started bawling. Tiny wrapped her short arms around Rhea’s neck.

“I’m broken. I cannot get over this, no matter what I do.”

“Takin’ a look around here, I’m guessing all you’ve tried is living in filth and letting rats nest in your hair?”

“I’m paralyzed, I can’t do anything.”

“Well, your house fuckin’ reeks,” Tiny said as she stepped out of their hug and opened several windows. “And you need to shower ’cause you reek too.”

“I think I’m done with showering. What’s the point? You go throughall that,then you gotta do it again a few days later.It never ends….”

“Rhea…Get. In. The. God. Damn. Shower.”

Tiny sat on the toilet seat lid while Rhea showered and recounted every second of her relationship with Danny.

Tiny did not interject; she just listened, and when Rhea wasdried off, fully dressed in clean gray sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt, and done with her story, Tiny said, “Rhea, I’m heartbroken for you. For both of you. I am so sorry about all of it.”