Page 55 of Counting the Days

She shared this pondering with Danny but left out the specificity of her nose; she did not want to put the idea that her nose might be unattractive into his head if he hadn’t already gotten there on his own.

“…Like, what if those comments, even innocent little jokes, about a baby’s appearance leave a lasting impression on their self-esteem?” she said aloud.

“It’s a good point. We have no idea how much kids absorb. My parents are already obsessed with my nieces’ and nephews’ weight. They’re constantly telling all their grandkids toeat healthy, get outside, and move their body every day,and I’m sure that’s not gonna be a good thing in ten years. I feel like if we’re hard on ourselves, we’re gonna be hard on our kids. And I wishI wasn’t, but I’mway too hard on myselfto ever consider inflicting that on someone else.”

“Yeah…,” Rhea said softly.

She hated that he was right. She knew no version of Rhea Darby was evolved or self-loving enough to not behave exactly like her friends, apologizing for her child’s flaws and advertising their gifts. But the memory of the delectable warmth of that newborn still lingered on her arms and made a giant scale appear in her mind.

On one side of the scale: Danny; romance; adventure; travel; never screwing up an innocent child with her unhealthy ego; and, presumably, life-changing sex.

On the other side was just one thing: the soft, comforting weight of that baby. And somehow those mere six pounds and seven ounces were still able to slightly tip the scale to one side.

220Days

Rhea’s determination to remain abstinentsignificantly weakened on the afternoon Danny came over to install her garden bed. By that point, they had gone on so many dates and done so much high school–style necking, she was beginning to wonder if he thought she was a virgin.

The morning after her trip to Trinity, she woke with a knot in her gut. She drove herself crazy the rest of the day trying to come up with the right way to tell Danny she was still longing for motherhood. Then, midway through swiping a customer’s credit card for a Tibi sweater, she realized she did not need to tell him anything.

The only commitment she’d made to Danny was to “continue seeing where this goes.” They were not engaged; they were not even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was still within her rights to, at some point down the road, gently let him know she had changed her mind and wanted to continue to pursue motherhood.

It’s not like she was wastinghistime. Men did not have an expiration date; their value seemed to increase with age. He would probably be even more handsome and considered evenmore of a catch when they broke up. It did not make any sense to end things this early. She was having the best dating experience of her life, and it was not as if she had any eligible bachelors waiting in the wings, eager to knock her up…well, other than Randall.

So, they kept going on perfect dates, and all the while, her desire to consummate their relationship grew, along with her terror that consummating their relationship would disable her ability to end things in the future. And when Danny showed up to install her garden bed, her desire and terror reached their peak.

She pretended to be working at her computer but was stealthily watching Danny through her French doors as he stood in her backyard giving instructions to his employees. She knew he owned a company, but she had not yet been lucky enough toseehim own a company, and the whole scene was devastatingly attractive.

She spied on him while he dumped bags of soil into a cedar garden bed and hooked up an irrigation line. Danny had decided irrigation would be necessary after she confessed that she would “probably never water the garden.”

Watching him work with his hands out in the sun made Rhea sweat almost as much as Danny. She observed him and his team planting peppermint, spearmint, chamomile, lemon balm, and lavender. After Rhea confessed she never cooked, they decided instead of “tomatoes and carrots,” she should have a tea garden. That way, when they drank tea together in the evenings, which had become their custom in lieu of having sex, they would have fresh herbs instead of dusty old tea bags.

Along with all the things they had in common, Rhea also loved all the things they did not have in common. They each got to introduce the other to their little habits, thus giving the other entirely new parts of life to enjoy. Danny loved herbal tea, andnow Rhea did too. Rhea loved hiking, and now Danny did too. Danny loved gardening, and Rheahighly doubtedshe ever would, too, but maybe this new tea garden would change that.

Rhea brought glasses of lemonade outside for Danny and his employees. Danny gratefully swigged from his glass and asked with a touch of surprise in his tone, “Did you make this?”

Rhea hesitated; she wanted to say yes but was determined not to lie to Danny about anything other than her vision board and her epiphany that she still wanted to be a mother, so she said, “Nope, bought it at the store.”

“Well, it’s amazing. Thank you.”

He wiped sweat off his brow, leaving a smear of soil, and Rhea had to fight the impulse to lick it off. She turned her attention to the new stunning addition to her decaying backyard.

“This is so beautiful, Danny. I really can’t thank you enough. I feel like a genuine adult.”

“It’s actually a pretty selfish gift. I’m gonna drink so much goddamn tea,” he said, and she laughed.

“Hi, Steve,” he called to a coyote on the other side of the fence.

Steve glared at them through the slats.

“Ugh, this construction has been really hard on Steve. He hates change.”

“Well, you can tell him we’re almost done. And do you think I could shower here? I’d love to take you to dinner.”

“Wow, you are spoiling me.”

“You finally noticed.”

“Yes, you can of course shower here,” Rhea said as images of Danny toweling off at the hot springs ran through her head, leaving damp footprints.