Page 44 of Counting the Days

She laughed and unzipped the hoodie. The thought of him walking back to his room, wet and cold, was even more painfulthan the thought of giving up his scent. She realized chivalry worked both ways; he was precious to her, too.

“Here ya go.” She winced as he wrung it out. “Thank you for letting me wear it.”

“Of course.”

He hesitated in the doorway…or maybe she hesitated in the doorway.

“Well, good night,” he said.

“Oh, um…” She craned her neck to look up into his inquisitive eyes. “Yeah, good night.”

He stepped out of the doorway as she entered her room and closed the door. She watched out the window as he pulled the hood tight around his head and trudged through the downpour. When he was out of view, she flung herself on her bed and screamed into her pillow.

She got up and paced around her room, blinking. She picked up her cellphone and sent Tiny a text:Help me

Rhea’s phone buzzed immediately.

Tiny:What’s wrong?

Rhea:Why aren’t you sleeping?

Tiny:I haven’t slept since I got pregnant. So many things they don’t tell you.

Rhea called Tiny and told her everything. Tiny had not even known Zoe sent Rhea an email about a soulmate workshop, so she had a lot to catch up on. Tiny was shocked by Danny’s surprise entrance into the story, overwhelmed by Rhea’s screaming hysteria on the dance floor, and beside herself laughing at the hot springs adventure until Rhea got to the part about their naked argument. Rhea’s voice cracked when she described the current state of her and Danny’s relationship.

“Can I really say no to motherhood? I mean, you’re experiencing the miracle of life growing inside your body. You have asecond heartbeatright now. Am I actually gonna give that up for some guy? Could you even imagine giving up this experience?”

“…Yeah, now’s not a good time to ask me that. I coughed too hard and shit my pants last night. The smell of food makes me hurl.All food.I basically throw upwhile I’m eating. Jason’s afraid of me ’cause I screamed at him for cooking a steak without opening a window….”

“Oh God, Tiny, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, I don’t even feel like I can complain about any of it ’cause Ichosethis hellish existence. We did IVF, for God’s sake; I paid fifty thousand dollars to feel nauseous twenty-four hours a day.”

“Well, you paid to be pregnant, not to be sick.”

“It’s so far been the worst experience of my life. But I know none of that is helpful ’cause on the other side of this nightmare I will have a child and I understand that’s what you’re really debating.”

“What would you do if you were me?”

“You know I can’t tell you what to do, right? I mean, this is big shit, dude. Big life-changing shit. I know he’s wonderful, buthe’s being honest with you. I think you just have to get honest with yourself. Is being with him more important than having children? That’s the only question.”

Rhea knew that was the only question, but she didn’t have an answer. Could she walk away from someone she felt so deeply about, for a hypothetical future in which a hypothetical man wanted to have a family with her? A man she would certainly not like as much as Danny. She had not met a man she liked as much as Danny in all of her thirty-eight years. There was no possibility of meeting one in the next two hundred and seventy days.

She thought about Danny’s body, the solid density of his muscles wrapped around her both times she got to hug him. His mouth, the brownish pinkish shade of his full lips—She tried to push his beauty aside and think about his personality, his sense of humor, his playfulness. He was hardworking, romantic, introspective, brave, and kind. He asked questions. He listened. He made her feel important and special. He was easily the first genuinely good person she had ever dated; he wasforgoing the miracle of childbirth to help the planet,for Christ’s sake.

“I like him sosomuch.”

“I know, dude. I know you do, but you guys don’t line up on an extremely large issue….”

Rhea groaned.

“But…well, I-I’ve been stopping myself from telling you this—and I’ve also been dying to tell you—but you can’t let it sway your decision inany way,you promise?”

“Can’t promise until you tell me.”

“Ugh, okay. Well, the other day, Jason was practicing on the putting green in our backyard, and I realized, oh, my God,Rhea did meet Danny on a golf course.”

If Rhea had been hooked up to a heart monitor, she would have been declared dead. She could not get air into her lungs; she was momentarily paralyzed.