Page 108 of The Starfish Sisters

In my imagination, Amma strokes my hair.I love you, child, just as you are.

Just as you are.

“Phoebe,” says a voice. Ben’s voice. I’m sleeping so deeply that my brain spins a dream out of the single word, and we’re off on an adventure, rambling around Europe together. Maybe even the pyramids. I’d love to see the pyramids. How would that influence my work?

My brain registers his warm hand on my arm, and with a sense of swimming back to earth from another planet, I struggle to open my eyes. It’s dark with only moonlight or cloud light coming through the window. It falls on his face, a face that’s become so important to me even if I didn’t want it to. “Hi,” I manage. “What time is it?”

“Nearly seven. You’ve been here all day. Stephanie sent me down here to see if you want dinner.”

I test my stomach and realize it is dead empty. “That might be good.” Rolling to a sitting position, I brush my hair out of my face. “I was really sleeping.”

He sits next to me, brushes a lock of hair behind my ear. “You were. You needed it.”

A swift longing moves through me, for this to come to something, to be something. I’m lonely and I have been for a long time. I want a partner, as we all do. Maybe it’s really okay towantthings. Want this. “I’m really glad to see you.”

“Me too.” He lifts my hand and kisses the palm, and a shiver moves through me.

If I’m going to be a better version of me, I have to start here. “You know that I’m hoping for something real here. I really like you.”

“I really like you, too,” he says.

My throat feels raw from crying. “I did something terrible, a long time ago.”

“Did you?”

“I was in love with Joel. He was always in love with Suze.”

He nods. “They were the couple everybody envied in school.”

I look at him, my vision of the world shifting to accommodate this version of life, a version I would never have seen, obviously. “Really?”

“Oh yeah.”

“I wasn’t in school with all of you, so I never saw that.”

He smiles gently. “I’m sorry you had a crush on him. That must have sucked.”

“It did.” I brush a fingertip over his broad thumbnail. “Realizing that they were a thing back then makes me feel even worse.” I take a breath. “Because he gave me a letter for her, and I never gave it to her. I only did it this morning.”

He says lightly, “Better late than never, huh?”

“I’m so ashamed of myself.” I bend into his shoulder, and he strokes my hair. “It had real consequences, and I can never make it right.”

“We’ve all done terrible things, Phoebe. Sometimes you just have to live with them.”

I take a breath and straighten. “I guess. But I’d like to make amends somehow if I can.”

“It’s cold in here,” he says. “Let’s go get some dinner, shall we?”

“Yes. Let’s do that.”

Then he kisses me. It’s gentle at first, and then it isn’t. “Would you want to go to London for a while?” I ask. “Maybe we could explore a little.”

“I might like that.”

“Good,” I murmur, standing up on my toes. Kiss him again.

“Hey,” he says, taking my hand. He’s looking over my shoulder. “There’s something going on at Suze’s place.”