Page 125 of The Replay

The expression hits my chest like a sucker punch. I'm not sure if I truly sway on my spot or if it's an illusion. Regardless, I'm hung up on the words.

I told that to Mariana twice since she came back. Mostly as a joke.

Out of my friend's mouth, it's a trigger.

Third time's the charm, they say. But what ending am I truly hoping to get here?

Peace, like I told Mariana? Friendship? Or something else? Because if it's something else, I need to name it. And I need to understand why I want it. What the point is of going for it. Otherwise it's not a choice. Then it's fixing nothing.

But if I label what I feel and what I want… and it means risking everything again for a future with Mariana…

"Is having a smooth break up the best thing you can think of to fix?" Saint asks.

Bear nods in agreement. "Is that what will make you the happiest?"

I breathe fast. "Too much of a gamble."

"But it's always a gamble!" Pen exclaims.

Rafa takes a step closer, until I have no choice but to look him in the eye. "I know more than most how much you wager when you bet on one person to be your partner for the rest of your life. In a way, you fear the pain again and, believe me, I get that."

I gulp. I may be getting lightheaded.

"But what is the alternative?" he continues. "Never meeting Gabby and falling for her? Not getting to celebrate it with a perfect wedding? Hell, not having my daughter?"

Shit. I can't keep up with my heart, or the visions my friend conjures up. And the cost of getting it wrong. Or getting it right, and doing the right thing, for it all to end wrong anyway.

"Fuck, Rafa," I say. "Maybe I'm not as strong as you are."

"Bullshit." His eyes demand better of me. "I'm not stronger than any other human being. So pick your battle, Dom. What is the mistake you really want to fix?"

I stare back at him. Torn. Through the crack, hope glimmers, faint and uncertain. Veiled by a whole lot of doubt.

"No need to tell us," Logan says. "We'll know your decision soon enough."

"Just admit it to yourself," Bear says. "If you want to learn from your past, you have to figure out what the real mistakes were. You can't do that if you don't tell yourself the truth. Believe me, Dom. That's the real source of regret."

I tell my friends I need time. I follow a stone path to a lonely, mid-sized fountain, surrounded by manicured cedar trees. I gingerly sit on the fountain's basin rim. The secondary, small garden I'm in is somewhat removed from the action. Just past the main property building, it's the perfect place to take a breath and think.

The sound of trickling water soothes me. I close my eyes for a moment. I focus on it. My brain finds the peace of white noise, with the toned-down buzzing of conversation back at the party, and the insistent echo of my friends' intervention.

I need to label what I feel, so I know what I want… and whether it's worth ignoring my pride. I'd be risking parts of my life I fought hard for if I go for it. Either way, I'm facing regret. For the things I did and didn't do, and the different futures unfolding at my feet.

From where I sit, I can only see a sliver of tents and garlands. Nothing has changed, but details are clear again. The muted colors, the grain of thick-cotton canopies, and moving clouds in the sky. Describing the world does the trick. Words for what I feel start falling into place. These wants, these needs have been hidden behind thick fog for weeks, but the sun is finally strong enough to cast light over them.

After the past few months, and the past couple of weeks, with how easy we've fallen into a simple life together… with how easily she imprinted in my home, and in my life… With the way my heart beats around her, and the way time slows down when we're having a simple evening, or speeds up when she shows me how much she wants me…

The scent of cedar fills my lungs. I release it slowly.

I've always been a fool, but I'm not a liar.

I'm in love with Mariana. Still. Again. Avoiding a label wouldn't have hidden it from me for much longer. As much as I've fought it since she got her plane ticket, and after I got blocked for calling her. I got used to living with it but now, after going through everything again after her return…

My soul cracks open. Dam gates have been unlocked. My chest floods with everything I feel for her. It's hard to breathe, my chest is so full. The fountain behind me could fully dry up, and it wouldn't change the fact that I'm drowning in my love for her.

I look up at the sky. I try to swallow back the tide. It doesn't help. Fuck, but I'm right back to the place where I was six years ago. Mariana will leave. London is her destination. If there's one mistake I regret it's not telling her that I'd do anything to make this work. Hell, I'll even make distance work. She was gone already, far away for six years, and it didn't change what I feel for her. I'll retire soon enough. I'll move to England if that's where she needs to be.

When Mariana herself appears from around a tree and smiles at me, my feelings split. Three ticks of my heart, and I know what I'm ready for— standing up to her parents, sticking to a plan that involves her in my life, going the distance. But I don't know where she wants to go. If she wants the same. If she's willing to do hard things for the sake of a future together.