Page 77 of Yours, For Good

As recently as my last week in the John Grier Home, I would have said Javier's duplicity was the kind of dishonesty that would have me write someone off my life. Now that I was here, it wasn't that easy. Sad as I was, hurt and angry as I was… I didn't hate him. I still liked him.

It didn't mean I could move past what happened. Sometimes, loving yourself meant saying goodbye to someone important to you.

Javier had said he would let me go. He was also the first person to know about my past and want to stay. He didn't care that I didn't know my own family, my traditions, that I had no one and nothing until he chose me for one of his programs.

I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath. Another. One more, before I spent the next two days in my hotel room reading his journals from start to finish.

In lieu of the letters I would have sent via email to Mr. B., I journaled on my laptop. I read a couple of books on relationships and took notes.

I still didn't have a decision when I returned to Lock Willow, or when I started receiving his emails, but no one could say I wasn't working on it.

Chapter 31

Date: June 14

To: Eleanora

From: [email protected] Subject: I'll try

Dear Nora,

It's been less than a week since you stood in my home and learned what I did. At first, I told myself I should wait, but that's what I've done up to this point. I waited to see if you made friends of your own and I could fade into the background, then waited until you graduated. After our kiss I waited, too, hoping you would find that you could live knowing that I hid something.

It's time for something different. You know I am Mr. B… or that I was? I don't think he's in the picture anymore. You're free of him. Still, here is one new

piece of truth for you: I miss knowing what you are up to. I want to ask you about your business and how the set up is going, and do you have plans to see Sally any time soon? (And her family at large, or even Jim in particular. I'm afraid that has been on my mind more than I'd like to admit.)

I wish we could sit outside in the backyard at my home, drink something together and talk about books. I wish I could ask how you'd feel going with me to a fundraiser gala for the JGH coming up. I wish I could ask you if you wanted to meet my friends.

I miss getting to hear about every stray thought going through your mind. I want to get reacquainted with your heart. With all of you, if you'd let me.

Of course, I understand you may choose not to read this email (funny, this deja vu feeling, because you said the same thing in your first email to me). You may ignore every one of these words, and that's your prerogative. We didn't agree I wouldn't reach out, so I don't think I'm crossing boundaries, but these messages may still be unwelcome.

If they are, please ignore them. If they're not… I hope they help somehow.

Javier

Date: June 18

To: Eleanora

From: Javier

Subject: hypotheticals and the multiverse

Dear Nora,

It's been a week since we last saw each other, and a few days since my first email. I understand why you didn't reply and, believe me— I know I have no right to ask for a response.

Even so, in the hope that you're reading this email and didn't outright block me, I'm sending another note. If you'll allow it, this one is a bit of a confession.

Not knowing if I would get the original journals back, I made copies. Sometimes, I like to go back and read who I was years ago, and I didn't want to lose this period of my life. This time, I read what I wrote and tried to imagine how you might respond to it all.

I'm not sure if you'll agree with my reasoning at the time, when I first realized I couldn't introduce myself as Mr. B., and decided to show up as myself. As a potential friend. Looking back, the only possible alternative was to refrain and never go to San Francisco. It was the only way to protect your participation in the program and the program itself. It would have also meant I never got to see your smile, or discover our shared interest in books. I would have had to live with the guilt of putting you in an environment I couldn't help you with, and with the curiosity of who was the person behind these letters I

craved. I suppose that would have been the most ethical course of action. For allowing my emotions to rule my morals at the time, I apologize, Nora.

While the above is true, I have to confess there's a part of me that is thankful for it all. Does it make me a horrible person to admit that? Don't get me wrong, I will forever regret the pain I have caused you. I imagine what might have happened, if you had gotten closer to Julia like you did at the end of the program, and I had met you at my brother's dinner table. Or if, in another life, we had met without the help of the incubator and my niece deciding to attend it at the same time.