Page 176 of Own It

Rakim promptly moved from my touch, frowning down at me as if I were a two-headed dragon.

“You know what I said at the club that night was real, right? I love you and never stopped. What if we just see if feelings are still there?” I smiled up at him, admiring the way the sun beamed down on his dark skin. “The kids are going to my mom’s once I grab them some food. But you can meet me at the house, I can cook, and then we can spend the night together. If you decide after that, that you don’t want me, I will leave you alone. I won’t mention it to Ayan or her either.”

I didn’t wanna say her name aloud.

For a moment, Rakim drank me in, surveilling me as if he were attempting to figure me out. I waited, hoping he would oblige my request and offer.

“I don’t need to spend a fucking night with you to know I don’t want you nor do I have feelings for you,” he stated coolly, but the shock hit me all the same as if he’d bellowed it. “Once you did what you did, all feelings were lost. That’s what the fuck you not comprehending.”

“Baby, I am sorry. I regret it. I regret it with everything in me. I made a huge mistake. I wish these were your kids. You’re better with them. You’re better with me too. I-it’s just the thought of you being in prison is what made me lose my mind and make bad ass decisions. You have to understand that.”

“Nah.” He chuckled. “Be real. That’s the least you can do, LaMia. You knew my career was over and jumped ship to what you deemed the next best thing.”

My lip trembled as tears sprang to my eyes. He was right, and I hated myself for it. I was much younger and way more foolish back then, thinking Ayan was the better choice because he was up-and-coming in the boxing world. Additionally, he didn’t have Rakim’s violent streak—or so I thought—and I wouldn’t have had to worry about him fumbling his career due to acting out.

And while I was right about Ayan Godfrey becoming a rich and successful boxer, I was wrong about his vicious nature. While he wasn’t like Rakim, he was like Nate Godfrey—worse. Whereas Rakim enacted his violence against those who wronged him and deserved it, Ayan was a woman beater just like his father before him. All the Godfrey boys were messed up in one way or another, but you had to pick your poison if you chose one. I chose wrong.

Every day I feared AJ would grow up to be like Ayan and his grandfather, and it made me physically ill.

“You’re right, but charge it to my head and not my heart. I was young and stupid, Rah. I swear to you.” I sniffled, closing the small gap between us. “If we rekindle, I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you.”

“No coming back, LaMia. Nothing you can say, offer, promise, or buy that will make me even contemplate being with yo’ ass. Plus, I would never leave what I got for you. Whether I was single though or with Daylin, you would never be an option for a nigga. Ever.”

I felt like my heart was physically bleeding within my chest as my breathing became labored.

“You love her more than you loved me?” I whimpered.

“I never loved you. I liked you, a lot, and was probably headed in that fucking direction, but God had other plans, and I’m thankful. Only thing I’d change is who you fucked with because I’m pretty sure my brother’s and my relationship is irreparable. But I’m in love with Daylin. Make no fucking mistake about that. There ain’t no competition, because you not even in the same weight class.”

“I was with you way longer!” I yelled, offended by his words as if Daylin was so much better than me.

“Exactly.” He bore into my eyes, making me retreat a little. “Don’t make me have to reiterate this shit, or I might let my piece do the talking, LaMia. I’m in a very serious, strict, forever fucking lasting relationship, and if I see anybody trying to snake their way in and decimate it, I’m gon’ have to end the problem before it gets there. You the cancer, I’m the chemo.”

I nodded slowly, catching on to his slightly veiled threat.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I sobbed, feeling extremely misguided and lost.

When Ayan asked me to quit working, he posed it as him loving me so much that he wanted me to travel with him for his fights while he took care of me. It sounded amazing at the time and had me looking at Rakim sideways for not offering the same. But upon reflection, I realized it was Ayan’s way of disabling me whereas Rakim wanted me to be able to retain some of my independence.

Sadly, I began to lose myself in Ayan overtime, and it only worsened when we had kids. Now, here I was jobless, with no man, and living in a home that I had no ownership in. How I dated two millionaires and still ended up in this position was inexplicable.

“I hope you got enough sense to leave that nigga before he kill you. You keep allowing that muthafucka to take his frustrations out on yo’ face, you ain’t gon’ be here much longer.”

Though Rakim was giving me helpful advice, the way he spoke hurt. He wasn’t bothered by my situation, making it obvious he truly didn’t care about me. All this time I was making it through the day convincing myself Rakim was simply smothering his feelings for me because he couldn’t expose them, when really, there were none. He’d been shouting it to me through a bullhorn, but I’d assumed it was a facade.

“H-he didn’t used to be this way,” I confessed, trying to make myself look better. “He used to treat me like fucking gold, Rah.”

Glancing off momentarily and squinting at the sun, Rakim focused back on me, licking his sexy lips.

“Let me put you onto something that I don’t think is quite clicking to yo’ slow ass. Ayan never wanted you. He got with you because at the time you were mine and I wanted you. Nigga been like that since we were kids. If my mama offered us a choice of two cones, Ayan would pick his, but as soon as I chose mine, he’d want that one. If I didn’t want something, neither did he. That shit continued into adulthood.

“He been noticing that I ain’t stressing ’bout you, so his interest started to wane. That’s why he treating you like shit, cheating in ya fucking face and some mo’ shit, ’cause he know I don’t want yo’ ass. Now, he don’t want yo’ ass.”

Tears flowed down my face in abundance as I listened to Rakim’s logic. It’d been so obvious, but I refused to believe Ayan took me and made a life with me merely to spite his twin. But the signs were there, and I could no longer deny it.

“I see.”

“You don’t mean shit to that nigga, and the sooner you realize it, the better. Would hate to have to see my niece and nephew lose their mother,” he said.