Page 132 of Cleopatra

I held no grudge against Octavia; she was a woman in Rome and so had scrutiny enough. No, my frustrations were solely directed at the husband who had left. Though it had been I who had sent him away, and though I knew that his marriage with Octavia would be required to produce an heir, I had not expected it to hurt quite so deeply.

I refused to be a woman jilted.

“You have been writing this letter for half the night, let the scribe go to bed,” Charmion said with a yawn in her voice.

I looked at the scribe and the shadows that gathered beneath his eyes. “She is right—go, I will call on you in the morning.”

I picked up the half-finished message with a sigh. It had been nearly three years since I had seen Antonius. Far longer than either of us had wanted to be apart. But as with Caesar before him, the battlefield had called to him.

His campaigns took him east across Asia Minor, and at the start of shemu season he had settled in Antioch, a mere ten-day journey from Alexandria. He called me to him from the palaces there. But I have never cared to be summoned.

So I was composing him a letter, a goodbye. His absence in my life had long healed and I did not seek to open the flesh of that wound once more. Better to be free of his love than to be bled by it.

I heard the soft padding of feet and turned to find Selene clutching the hem of her nightclothes, her eyes puffy and red from being awoken.

I opened my arms to her and she crawled into them.

“Papa?” she asked, reaching for the letter where Antonius had sent for me. She had come to recognise his seal, though she had yet to see his face.

Though Antonius had not met the twins, he had sent them regular trinkets and presents. Selene held on to one now, a silver moon hanging on a chain around her neck.

I watched as she brought it up to her lips and kissed it. Then she smiled, and like her father she shone brighter than any star in the sky.

“Does Papa have a story for me?” she asked, for more often than not, Antonius would regale them with tales of his capers and victories.

“Not this time, my child,” I said, looking away from her.

Could I really deny my children their father?

I picked up the letter I had been composing and shredded it in my hands. Selene reached for the remains of the papyrus and threw them up in the air, scattering them like shedding petals. Her laughter was infectious, rousing her brother, who quickly joined in.

As I watched them play, I knew I could not end my alliance without seeing Antonius face to face.

And so to Antioch we must go.

—

Caesarion, now eleven years of age, was old enough to reign over Egypt with the support of Faunus. He was eager to do so in my absence.

“I will receive the court daily, do not worry, Mama,” he said. The crown on his head wobbled ever so slightly and it reminded me of Theos on the day he had been crowned. Time had passed, far quicker than I could fathom.

“It is a mother’s wont to worry,” I said, setting the crown straight.

I had tried to shelter Caesarion from the swirling rumours of the Roman senate. Occasionally a Roman noble would visit, bringing with them the slander that my son was illegitimate. If I had not agreed to ally with Rome, I would have killed each one, Octavian’s wrath be damned. But I was still wary of war.

I let Octavian spread his falsities, gently reminding those who visited who Caesarion’s father had been. Not that it wasn’t obvious from the boy’s looks and demeanour. He carried himself like a general and had taken to wearing a purple cloak like his father’s.

“Watch over my land, my son,” I said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He grimaced at my show of affection, waving me away.

“Egypt will be safe while I am safe. For I am Egypt,” he said.

My heart swelled in my chest at his words.

Selene, Helios and I voyaged across the sea to Antioch. As on my last approach to Tarsus, I was apprehensive about seeing Antonius. I had come to sever ties and was unsure how he would receive this news.

I arrived at night, my boat slicing through the black water of the Orontes river. The city was silhouetted by mountains in the east, and like the brow of a great god they looked down on the land, making me feel as though I was always watched.

“Are Selene and Helios asleep?” I asked Charmion. There was a chill in the air and she brought me a sheep’s skin to wrap my arms in.