Page 62 of Spar of Hearts

It felt incredible to say it all out loud, like a decisive killing blow to a feeling that had become a monster of its own.

“If you asked her, I think she would say you’re the farthest thing from selfish,” Octavio replied. “Why are you even here right now? Can you look me in the eye and say it’s because you want to win her back?”

That was preposterous. He hadn’t thought of Millicent romantically since…well, since Anya. Since the moment he saw the Princess at their first strategy meeting before the evacuation.

Roderick stared into his ale, watching the little foamy patches dissolve into the golden liquid.

“No. She’s happy. And…that makes me happy. That is all I wanted for her in the end. But now I need to make it up to her and to our people. I don’t deserve to be happy when they suffered for so long.”

“Aren’t you forgetting, I don’t know, saving her from execution? That little bit.”

“That doesn’t make up for it. That doesn’t make me worthy of her friendship. Or any of yours. I…I don’t deserve it.”

Annette’s voice was soft. “If you…a lord and a knight aren’t deserving of friendship…or happiness…who is? Am I?”

Roderick shook his head. That was insane. Annette was a wonderful person. “Of course you are.”

“But according to you, it must be earned.” Annette sat up straighter, placing a hand on her daughter’s back. “I did nothing to deserve joining the Lupus Star crew. I was under a bridal gesh—a curse from my father. I couldn’t leave Avonford until someone paid him twenty gold pieces for me. Do you know who paid it?”

“Bernard?”

She shook her head. “The captain.”

That was a surprise, but there wasn’t a second he thought Annette didn’t deserve it. She was sweet, honest, and hardworking. He enjoyed being greeted with her smile every morning at breakfast, and talking with Bernard. He loved hearing about the firsts in their daughter’s life, and all the parts of becoming parents that they cherished. In fact, he couldn’t put a value on any of them. Millicent, Ornella, Octavio, Bernard, Annette, Lady Rowan—even Anya, no matter how frustrated she made him at times.

Was it so crazy that they might feel the same?

“The captain paid five years’ wages for the likes of me, a frail Elvani woman, far from the makings of a good sailor. And he’s never asked for a farthing back. He pays me like everyone else. He’s never held it over me, not even once. That is grace and friendship, undeserved and unearned—and yet, here I am.”

Bernard pressed a kiss to Annette’s temple and smiled. “It’s true there are days we feel drowning in debt to the captain. But all we can do is honor the gift he gave us by enjoying the life we have.” Bernard held a claw out to their daughter. Olivia grabbed it eagerly and babbled.

Annette sighed. “I have a lot of dark days…I miss my mother. My sisters too. Father forbade them from seeing me. They won’t even answer my letters. But I can always talk to anyone here when I feel that way. It…it helps.”

“That’s what we want for you too, Roderick,” Octavio said. “So seeing you in the state you were in with Her Highness…it was concerning. We want to know why it happened so we can help.”

Roderick couldn’t stifle the mess of emotions any longer. Everything came spilling out. Nonsensical or not, it was time.

“Lately, I feel everything too much—too deeply. It’s like I’m trying to dip my toes into a river and get sucked in by the bank. And when Anya brought up Millicent, and implied I didn’t care about the children, I just…snapped. She didn’t deserve it. She was trying to thank me for something I did for her and I mocked her. I deserved the return fire. But she—she reminds me of someone I thought I had a connection with. Someone I’ll never see again. A woman who made me feel unchained. Like lifting my armor after a week-long march. She was the cool waters of the Cress, the spring breeze that finally touched my chest. So when she said those things, it hurt even more.”

“Waxing poetic, eh? Annette gets me that way too.” Bernard winked at his bride. Annette blushed and tucked a silver braid behind her ear. “Ornella? This man is lovesick. Whaddya got?”

Ornella chuckled. “I cannot help lovesickness, but something else, I may.” She turned to Roderick. “Have you ever heard of Rhodias flower?”

“I have.” He sighed. “When Millicent left with the Hounds, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat. My mind was stuck on her and pondering the shortcomings that drove her away. Octavio was the one who pulled me out of it, and saved my skin, to be honest. I would have been replaced long before this without him. He told an herbalist how I felt, and I was given Rhodias as a remedy. But I’m still not sure why.”

“You flatter me.” Octavio chuckled, running a hand through his long silver hair.

Ornella continued, “What you are feeling, it is like an imbalance. Imagine trying to stay on a horse with one leg, or sparring with an arm behind your back. Not that I doubt your abilities.” Ornella winked, then continued, “It is similar to that, but in your mind. Most people can feel an emotion, consider it, and continue on with their day. Your mind has pitfalls that are keeping you trapped in those moments.” She moved her hand up and down, like a bumpy road, then smoothed it out with the other. “Rhodias can help fill those gaps.”

“What if it makes me the worst version of me? I was taking it during the evacuation. I thought Anya was open to courting, but I read everything terribly wrong. She called me insensitive. Self-absorbed. A rake. But compared to Millicent, she was giving me all good signs.”

“Roderick,” Octavio raised a brow, “I know you’re ‘Valeria’s greatest knight’, or whatever, but you aren’t exactly ‘Valeria’s greatest with romance.’”

“Wow. Thanks.” Roderick took another sip of ale.

“Did you even hear yourself?” Octavio’s tone became sharp. “‘Compared to Millicent’. You’ve been doomed from the start. She’s not Millicent. Stop treating her like she is. Stop blaming the Rhodias. I’m sorry if I seem blunt, but Sweet Spirits, this simple truth means you aren’t any of those things you said. You’re just a little oblivious.”

Roderick groaned. “If I can’t rely on past experience, how do I know what she’s feeling?”