Page 85 of Locke

I lay it all out for Birdie, start to finish, and give even more details that Molly and Juno don’t know.The winery, the road trip, the first kiss at my parents’ house after Thanksgiving dinner.The nightclub.His car and that first amazing orgasm, although I do tell that story with euphemisms.I tell them about the way things escalated by degrees and then came to a head in LA when Grant accosted me.

I tell them about the nights he’s stayed with me and sharing dreams about the future.

And lastly, I tell them about the last session yesterday.Not the details.Never a word about what happened to him, but only the results.

“And then he called it off,” I say with a morose sigh.

“Because you forced him to do that third session?”Birdie asks in confusion.“Because he agreed to that.It was part of the original bargain.”

“I don’t know.I mean… when we started the session, he said we were about to have our first fight.Apparently, it was our last fight too.”

“I don’t think that’s it,” Juno says thoughtfully.“I think it’s because he thinks you leveraged the personal relationship to get him to open up.”

It’s not an accusation, just an observation.

“But I didn’t,” I start to defend myself, then stop.“But… well, it was because we’d gotten close that let me push him a bit more.”

“It was because you were close that he opened up,” Molly says adamantly.“That session would have been unproductive had you not been intimate.But that’s not the real issue.”

We all stare at her and it’s Birdie who asks, “What’s the real issue?”

Molly’s eyes laser onto mine.“Do you love him?”

The question lands in the room and sits there.

I’ve been not looking at it directly for weeks, but I can’t ignore it now.These ladies won’t let me.

“Yes,” I say.

Nobody says anything.

“Well,” Birdie says.“That complicates the hell out of it.”

“Thank you, Birdie.”

“I’m not being flippant,” she says and grabs a chip bag from the table.“I’m saying the reason it’s so bad is that it’s real.If it were just a professional misstep, you’d have handled it by now.You’re sitting here wrecked because you love him and you hurt him and those two facts are stacked on top of each other and they’re both true.”

I look at her.

“She’s right,” Juno says quietly.

“I know she’s right,” I say.

My phone buzzes on the coffee table.

All four of us look at it.

The screen shows a text preview.I grab the phone, hoping it might be Locke wanting to talk, only to be hit with disappointment that it’s from Grant.

Livia, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I know LA was bad and I take responsibility for that.I just need you to hear me out.If you could just give me an hour I know we could work through this.I’m not the man you think I am right now.

“Ugh,” I screech in frustration and shove the phone down into the couch cushion.

“What?”Molly asks with concern.

“It’s Grant again.Same fucking messages.He doesn’t even have anything new to say, just the same thing over and over again, and he’s not getting the hint that I’m ignoring him.”

“That’s concerning,” she says.