Page 65 of Keystrokes and Kittens

Sam

Ibarely stirred when Soren got up in the early morning to feed the kittens. Pretty soon, they wouldn’t need the nighttime feeding at all.

When he returned to bed, I cuddled against him right away.

He laid his hand over mine and sighed.

And went right back to sleep.

I, though, stayed awake a lot longer with my thoughts.

To my surprise, I was really okay. Comfortable even—holding Soren in my arms. Having him next to me. Knowing Tibby was nearby, and the kittens were just downstairs. Everything felt right. Everything felt settled.

I still wasn’t aroused.

I’d wondered. Worried. Stressed. Obsessed.

My cock worked. I knew that. I just…didn’t feel the need to use it inthatway. Understanding that and coming to grips with it were two different things. I’d read the blogs. Even found a couple of autobiographies where brave people talked about it. Had ventured to read a couple of gay romances with acecharacters. Still, I hadn’t been certain. I kept telling myself if I didn’t get naked with a guy then I couldn’t be absolutely certain. And since the idea of getting naked with a guy terrified me—I sort of figured I’d never know.

I’m not naked with Soren.

Nope. He’d happily trotted out his rainbow-unicorn pajamas. And casually told me about the dildo he’d sent his employee as a gag gift. I couldn’t figure out if that meant sex was casual for him or if he just had a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps both?

Except he’d been clear he hadn’t had sex since the last time he’d been with his wife. That was a while ago.

Is it fair for me to ask him to go without? Potentially for the rest of his life?Part of me said I should just have sex with him. That maybe I’d enjoy it. That maybe I’d be okay doing it again. The rest of me rebelled against those feelings. Not that I was grossed out—I just didn’t want to do it. I remembered the post where an ace person said they watched while their partner masturbated. To increase the intimacy, but not commit them to partaking.

That idea had…merit.

Would Soren understand if I suggested it?

I just didn’t know.

Another person said he’d chosen to have an open relationship. His wife had a sexual partner, but she reserved love and intimacy for her husband.

Would I be comfortable with Soren having sex with someone else? Do I even have the right to ask him not to?

“Sam?” He squeezed my hand. His voice was a little groggy.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?”

He chuckled. “Those gears in your mind did. Is it okay if I turn to face you?”

“Of course.” I shifted back a bit so he could turn. After a bit of jostling, he turned so he faced me. The moonlight hit his whitehair, and it shimmered like a wraith’s. I couldn’t see his eyes, but they bore into me. “I’m sorry.”

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.” He cupped my cheek. “Are you comfortable? Do you want to leave, but are afraid of hurting me? Or would you prefer I give you space? I can head downstairs and—”

I placed my hand on his lips. “It’s your bed, Soren.”

“And I’m grateful you’re in it—but not if it’s upsetting you.”

“Right.” I squinted. “It’s not upsetting me—which is surprising me. I expected more, I don’t know, panic? Pressure?”

“Pressure?”

“To respond to you. To do…something.”

“Ah.” He grasped my hand. “Are you okay with me saying that I’m okay?”