Page 28 of Keystrokes and Kittens

“I’m saying the idea of, you know…that…” I flailed my other hand.

“It’s okay. Hey, maybe look at me?” His voice was soft and coaxing.

I turned my gaze toward him. “I’m not going to try to convince you that you’re one way or another. Those are decisions only youcan make. Do I enjoy having you here as a friend? Taking care of the kittens? Absolutely. I would never have invited you here otherwise. And I didn’t do it thinking that we might have sex. That’s not who I am. I just wanted to help—in whatever way I could. Now, are you saying you have any feelings for me? I’m not probing to make you uncomfortable—I’m just trying to figure out where we stand.”

Slowly, I nodded. “I like you. I enjoyed the kiss—but I felt like it came with obligations and expectations. Things I couldn’t promise. I’ve tried to look at it from different angles, but the truth is that I don’t want to have sex. Not with you. Probably not with anyone. I mean, I find you attractive. Don’t get me wrong. But getting naked and exchanging body fluids? Yeah…not my happy place.”

He smiled sweetly. “I can completely respect that. No matter what anyone tells you—sex is not the be-all and end-all. I mean, sex is great. With the right person and under the right circumstances. But I certainly don’t need it.”

“You say that—”

“Because I know myself. I haven’t been with anyone since my divorce, and I’ve been perfectly okay. Do I feel sexual attraction? Yes, I do. But I’m not chasing guys to get it. In truth, what I miss the most about being married was the intimacy—physical and emotional. Once upon a time, my wife was my best friend. We talked about everything. We shared all the stuff going on in our lives. We held nothing back. In retrospect, when that changed, that’s when I should’ve realized we’d crossed a Rubicon and we could never go back to the way things were.”

“Did she cheat on you?” He looked…sad? Pensive? Certainly not happy.

“Whether she did or not almost wasn’t the point. We’d stopped having sex. I told myself that was because we were both busy. I was getting my business off the ground. She had ademanding job. We just sort of…drifted. Through life. Through our relationship. We sort of took each other for granted, and it worked until the moment it didn’t. In the end, we didn’t try to repair the damage. Didn’t try to stay together. Maybe if we’d had kids, we would’ve tried harder. I don’t know. In the end, we decided life was too short to be with someone who didn’t love you anymore.”

I frowned. “Can you really fall out of love with someone?” I’d heard of it, of course. But that felt like such a harsh thing to do.

“Falling out of love might be extreme. But I can say the feelings I’d had initially—when the bloom of love had been its fullest—certainly disappeared. We’d stopped putting in the effort. Things…fell apart. In the end, we parted ways. She got the house, and I had enough money to put a down-payment on this place. The rest, as they say, is history. I wish her well. That said, we haven’t spoken since we signed the divorce papers. So, did I imagine what we’d meant to each other? I don’t know. I certainly don’t want to examine it too hard—except to ensure I don’t make the same mistake again.”

“Oh.” The one word I could manage because I certainly didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m not sure you needed to know all that. But I wanted you to have context. I didn’t run out the day I signed my divorce papers and have monkey sex. As much as I enjoyed Malcolm as a dinner companion, we weren’t compatible.”

“He seems like a really nice guy.”

“He is.”

“And he’s with someone now, right?”

“Yes.” He smiled. “And if either he or I had found Christian or Noah attractive—in that way—things might’ve wound up differently. Or not. I think those two were destined to be together. Noah just had to get his head out of his ass.”

My eyes widened. “Well, that’s one way to put it.”

“I’m not certain I’m making my point. Look—” He smiled again. “I like you. I really like you. I think you’re sweet, compassionate, responsible, and overworked. My greatest wish is to give you some time off. Maybe spirit you away from everything so you can take a breather. I know you wouldn’t want that, though. You’re too focused on responsibility. So the next best thing is for me to help you.”

Again, he squeezed my hand.

“Am I attracted to you? Sure. You’re a handsome guy. I thought so the first time we met, and that hasn’t changed. Would I be interested in exploring some kind of romantic relationship with you? You bet. Finally, would you being asexual change my mind about that? I don’t think so. I’ll admit to never having found myself in this situation. That said, I’ve never sought someone out strictly because I wanted to go to bed with them. I’m not built like that either. I dated plenty of men and women in university, but I didn’t do hookups.”

“Oh.” I scratched my cheek. “I keep thinking that maybe if I’d stayed in college, after coming out, that things might’ve been different.”

“Hard to say. I mean, from my understanding of asexuality, which admittedly isn’t much, it varies from person to person. The level of intimacy, the amount of physical contact…and if you’ve never had experience with those things, then it might be hard to judge how you would react.”

“This is making my head ache.”

He released my hand.

Which made me feel bereft. I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to count on that contact.

He rose from the couch and came to crouch before me.

I startled.

“You need to go to bed, Sam. You’re overwrought and exhausted.”

I wanted to argue against his highhandedness. Two things stopped me. First, I was a guest in his house and he dictated the rules. Secondly, Iwasoverwrought and exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. “You’re right.” I gazed into those luminous light-brown eyes. So damn mesmerizing. “I’m trying to say that I find you attractive. And gentle, kind, and wonderful. I still feel like I don’t deserve this kindness.” I pressed my finger to his lips when he started speaking. “I’ll take whatever you’re offering…just tomorrow.”