Page 95 of The Incredible Ordinary

I shrug instead of finishing the sentence, then shake my head. Why is speaking so difficult all of a sudden?

I could stillnotsay anything. I could backtrack and pretend I was headed in another direction.

But that’s not me. I’ve been working so hard over the years to learn to be upfront and say what I have to say.

What’s more, I want to tell him.

“You almost kissing me?” I say. “I find myself wondering what it’d be like. That maybe you and I could… That maybe there’s something I haven’t realized before. About myself.”

He’s silent for the longest time and when he finally speaks, it’s not what I expect.

“When was the last time you had sex?”

I snap my head up.

He quirks his brow at me, a small smirk on his lips. Like he already knows the answer.

“It’s been a while.” I’m not going to specify. I bet he had sex… yesterday, and while I’m sure he isn’t going to mock me for my answer, I still don’t want to admit just how long it’s been. “Why? Is this a way to eliminate people you don’t want to kiss based on their lack of experience?” I’m joking. Only not really, based on the nervous hammering of my pulse.

He ignores me. “And you’ve never had… Never checked out a guy in the gym? Had a crush? Thought an actor was hot?”

I try to think. I have no idea.

I’ve thought a man was attractive before, but I have no idea if that was me actually thinking in terms of attraction or just noticing that somebody was visually pleasing.

“It shouldn’t be a big deal,” I mutter, because by now I’m getting really embarrassed about letting it get to methismuch. Embarrassed about not dealing with this on my own.

“You know Chloe?” he asks suddenly. Almost conversationally.

I stare at him.

“The… Chloe from soccer?”

“She’s into you,” he says.

I don’t know what that’s got to do with anything I just said.

“Right,” I say slowly. “I suppose I’m flattered?”

Milán shrugs. He’s not looking at me anymore. Instead, for some reason, I get the feeling he’s avoiding eye contact. “You should ask her out.”

My eyes are glued to the side of his face now.

“Uh, why?”

He sighs and finally looks at me. “You’re not into me. It’s just us being in each other’s space a lot lately, and then combined with that crap I pulled… I shouldn’t have. It’s playing head games. I owe you an apology. If you haven’t dated in a while… All I’m saying is that it makes sense you’d feel whatever it is you’re feeling.”

I lick my lips and consider his words.

“It’s sort of like a reboot, I guess,” he says. “Just go out with Chloe. Or anybody else you happen to like. Have fun. I can babysit. And then if you still want to figure things out, I can introduce you to somebody. Just…” He drags his hand through his hair. “You’re not intome. Believe me, you’re not. You want a partner. I really don’t. I’m a bad bet overall.”

We’re still and silent after that speech. Both of us.

I don’t know why I feel like this. Like something’s been taken from me. The sour taste of disappointment clings to the back of my throat and won’t go down.

“Yeah,” I say. “Okay.”

I’m not sure if I’m saying it because I believe his theory, or if it’s more that Iwantto believe it. It’d make things a hell of a lot easier if this was all just the result of an extended dry spell. It’d be an easy fix.