Page 158 of The Incredible Ordinary

“Not me! You!”

He drags his hand through his hair, whirls around, then turns back to face me. “You need to help me out a bit now, because I have to be honest, I’m not following at all anymore.”

“I want you to be happy!” I snap.

“I am! Job well done.”

“No. What makes you happy is not being here. And I want you to be happy, so you have to do what makes you happy, which means you have to leave.”

He’s staring at me again.

“Oh my fucking God,” he eventually mutters. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No.”

“Then you want me to stay?”

“No!”

I’m aware all sanity has left the building. I am aware.

“Jordy,” he says, and he’s starting to sound just a bit frustrated with me, and I get it.

I watch him push the feelings down.

“Then what do you want?” he asks, far more gently than I deserve.

“I…”

I want to say it.

Stay. Stay with me. Don’t go.Don’t leave. Be with me.

I can’t get the words out, and even if I did, what would be the point? I don’t want him to stay because I want him to stay. I want him to stay becausehewants to stay.

“Jordy,” he says, gently again, “what doyouwant?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. It never does.”

“Jordy—” he says again.

“I’m going home!” I snap. “I… I can’t do this right now.”

It’s the only possible thing to do, because with every word I keep making it worse and worse, and there’s no rain falling, and I’m dangerously close to crying.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay, we’ll go home, yeah? And we’ll?—”

“No.I’mgoing home.”

He looks hurt. Sounds hurt. It barely registers, concealed by the ugly pettiness inside me that says it’s his fault anyway.

“I’ll get you a cab.” He’s already raising his arm.

“I’ll walk.”

Still petty.

“Jordy…” He sighs.