Page 90 of Criminally Yours

She strode to her room.

“No one at all?”

“I tried to be physical with a friend at university. I hoped the friendship would help, but when he went to touch me, I froze. I couldn’t do it.”

Strike shook. “But you didn’t have problems with me, now or before.”

“I know.” She left her bedroom door open for him. She collapsed on the bed, and he joined her.

“This is all my fault.”

She crawled onto his lap and wept. “The day you left me was the only time I’d had sex, and that rejection meant I was always scared to let someone near me again physically. With the app, I had the power, and I could still choose when to cut ties.”

“I’m sorry.” Strike rocked her as she clung to him. His nose itched, and a lump sat in the back of his throat. “I’m so sorry.”

“All this time, you were with women, doing what you wanted, and I couldn’t let anyone close. You rejected me and never looked back.”

He held her chin with his fingers. “I’ve never been with anyone else.”

She jerked away. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“It’s not possible.”

“It’s true. When I was in the army, I wrote you a letter every month. Initially, they were the ramblings of a broken man trying to do the right thing, but over time, I shared what I was doing when it wasn’t classified. I told you about the people in my squad, and occasionally…” He pulled on the back of his neck.

“You’re blushing.” Her fingers traced where his cheeks were hottest.

“Because I told you about my fantasies. Your name was the only one on my lips all that time. It was always about you.”

“I didn’t get any letters.” Her hands shook as she cupped his face.

“I didn’t send them. Eventually, I hid them in my parents’ house. That day, I closed myself off, too. The army taught me to be regimented, but I learnt it when my heart broke because of what I did to you. Initially, I allowed myself to be the man you knew, but eventually, I shut him away.”

“Where are the letters now?” she asked quietly.

“When I packed up the house, I brought them with me. They’re in the boot of the car.”

“Can I read them?”

His head dropped, and he closed his eyes. “Yes.”

“What are you scared of, Strike?”

“I’m scared you’ll realise I’m too fucked up for you and too obsessed with you.”

“That I’m worried about the same suggests we’re fucked up enough for each other.” She brushed a kiss against his forehead. “I’ll read them after dinner.”

“Okay, Sunset.”

CHAPTER 39

Millie

She’d told him about the apps, hinted at what turned her on, and he hadn’t run. He’d held her.

They ate in silence, their hands interlinked as much as possible while they scoffed the last of the food from Joyce’s hamper.