Page 78 of Criminally Yours

“But I’m not good enough for her. I wasn’t before, but now, I’ve killed people. I had to at the time, but the images of their families won’t leave me. I’m too messed up. And then there’s sex. Someone as perfect as her couldn’t cope with the needs that I fantasise about. She deserves to be cuddled, worshipped, not…” He couldn’t swallow the thickness in his throat. “Not controlled.”

“One step at a time. Remember that there’s more than one side to you. And those are fantasies. They might not be things you want to do once you’re with her, and if they are, maybeshe’s interested in them as well, or maybe they’re desires you don’t need to act on. Protect her like a bodyguard and stop deciding her opinions for her.”

“I need to prepare to say goodbye. I want to return to my old life where I can plan and be in charge. Having another person in my life makes everything too… unpredictable.” He stared at the hallway and imagined a life he’d never have—a life with a family, dog, and beautiful wife by his side.

“I want to leave you with one thought. How would you feel seeing Millie married to someone who she didn’t love because she couldn’t be with you? I’m not saying this would happen or guessing at how she feels about you. All I’m asking you to consider is that you think she can’t be happy with you, but what if she can’t be happy without you?”

Strike choked on his surprise. He’d hurt her so much in the past, he couldn’t bear being the reason for her pain in the future, too. “I’ve got to go. Thank you for listening.”

“We’ll talk again soon. Try and sleep.”

He gave a non-committal answer as he ended the call.

It didn’t matter how tired he was, sleep wasn’t for him, especially during the next two weeks. He headed back to the kitchen to sort out pudding for Millie as he typed a reply to Randolph.

Strike: I’ll call you tomorrow.

CHAPTER 33

Millie

Millie’s body ached from tension. She’d tried calling her mum twice and Dexter once, but neither had picked up.

She stared at the ceiling. Moonlight filtered through the window, highlighting dust particles. She followed them with her finger. Footsteps shuffled outside her room. She held her breath until they’d passed. Strike must be doing checks again.

She checked her phone. Two a.m.

She scratched at her arms. She missed Strike’s care, his authority, and his demands. Her breath caught. And there was more.

She missed the way he laughed with her, touched her, and looked at her like he craved her.

Did he really want to just meet as friends, or did he feel guilty for the past? She’d ask him when she saw him next. She should have asked him before, but she was so used to hiding when things got too real.

She hit call on her mum’s number again.

Hair rose on the back of her neck when it connected.

“Millie, sweetheart, I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls.We had dinner with the captain! Are you okay? Your message was a bit bizarre. Did you mean to send it to us? Your brother mentioned you were on holiday with an old university friend. Are you safe? Are you sick?”

Millie closed her eyes and picked at her cuticles. “You’ve spoken with Dexter recently.”

“Yes.” But he hadn’t responded to Millie’s messages. “He’s keeping an eye on you for me and your dad. I know how vulnerable you can be.”

Millie threw the last fidget tool against the wall but tempered her tone as she replied, “I’m a trained counsellor, Mum. I help people through trauma and painful situations every day. Where did you get this opinion that I’m vulnerable?”

“Well, you don’t have friends?—”

“I have friends online, including Rylee.”

“I won’t have the same argument with you. They’re not real friends,” she grumbled. “You refuse to meet new people.”

“I’ve met lots of new people recently,” she replied flatly.

“Because I made you go to that social.”

“I didn’t go.”

“Why not? We talked about this.”