Page 37 of A Most Favourable Match

“He does sometimes walk at this time of day,” Elizabeth said noncommittally, knowing that her father was presently hiding from all of them, but particularly Mr Collins. “Do excuse me, Mr Collins. I have preparations to make for our journey tomorrow.”

But when she walked briskly away towards the boot room, Elizabeth was surprised to find that Mr Collins followed her, all the while mopping at his damp brow with an already limp handkerchief.

“There will be tea in the parlour soon, Mr Collins. Some of the regiment’s officers will be calling on Lydia and Kitty this afternoon, and I dare say that Mary would welcome your company,” Elizabeth hinted broadly.

“It is only you with whom I wish to speak, Miss Elizabeth,” the young clergyman returned with a beaming smile. “It is only you who can settle the question burning in my heart.”

Opening the boot room door, Elizabeth went inside and began counting off the boots and shoes she was looking for, placing them all side by side on a low shelf where the maids might more easily collect them. They would wear their country walking boots for the journey, and must pack their town walking boots and at least one pair of court shoes and one set of dancing slippers each…

“I see,” Elizabeth said gravely, though she did not. Oddly, Mr Collins did not ask his question, but continued to linger by the door. A hint of curiosity as to what her cousin meant to ask her rose up, but Elizabeth stuffed it firmly down. It would not do to encourage him, or Mr Collins might speak until the sun went down.

Having now known her cousin for some weeks, Elizabeth knew that the question burning in his heart might easily be the correct mode of address for a bishop who was also the younger son of a duke, or the order in which a large family should enter a carriage, considering age and infirmity as well as seniority and personal preference on seating.

No matter — Elizabeth had her own minor concerns already. Perhaps Jane should have two pairs of dancing slippers, or even three. Like their mother, Elizabeth was keen for Jane to look her best. Jane herself was unresisting more than enthusiastic, which struck yet another worrying note in Elizabeth’s mind as the thought occurred to her.

Why did Jane not care more about her appearance at this important time? Didn’t women always want to look their best for the men they loved?

In the doorframe, Mr Collins was still burbling about the burning of his heart, although now Lady Catherine de Bourgh had been brought into the matter too, her views stated as being even more important to him than his own. Elizabeth nodded vaguely and continued to consider both Jane’s shoes and her general wellbeing.

“…for this reason, I am determined that you, Cousin Elizabeth, must be the companion of my future life, my helpmeet, my wife…”

“What?!” Elizabeth exclaimed. She could only hope that her ears had deceived her. “Excuse me, Mr Collins. I must have misheard you. What did you say?”

Was Mr Collins really proposing to her in the boot cupboard at Longbourn?! The beatific smile on his pinkly glowing face seemed only to confirm an absurd and distasteful reality.

“While I thought you set on Mr Bingley, I held back,” said her cousin, “but then, I detected that any partiality for him lay only in your mother’s mind. I heard you state this aloud with my own ears. At that moment, I knew my path was clear. It remains only for us to seek your parents’ blessing and we may be united, dear Cousin Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth jumped back from the hand he extended towards her as though expecting her to clasp it.

“What are you…What about Mary?” she blurted out, almost too astonished by his peculiar declarations to speak.

“Mary? Why, what of her?” Mr Collins returned with evident puzzlement. “I am sure that all your sisters will wish us joy in our union, compensating as it does for the unavoidable harm that Longbourn’s entail must bring to your family.”

“Mr Collins, you forget yourself,” Elizabeth now told him more sternly, getting a firmer grip on herself and facing him down. “I thank you for the unexpectedhonour of your addresses, but we are not compatible as husband and wife and I must therefore refuse you. My sister Mary, however…”

“Mary?” he echoed again, no less baffled than before. “No, I cannot think that Cousin Mary can add anything useful at the present time and will stick to the matter at hand. You say that we are incompatible, Cousin, but you do not know me well enough yet to make that judgement.”

“That is all the more reason to refuse you, Mr Collins,” Elizabeth said, not troubling to keep her voice down. She could no longer bring herself to care if anyone else should hear and come to investigate the source of this excruciatingly embarrassing argument, as long as it ended soon. “We cannot make one another happy, and I cannot be your wife. Find a woman who can.”

“I don’t understand,” Mr Collins replied obstinately, applying his handkerchief to his forehead once more. “Why should you refuse me on so little account? No other offer of marriage may ever me made to you, Cousin Elizabeth, regardless of your personal charms and your sister’s advantageous marriage.”

Elizabeth took a deep breath, fearing what she might say if she spoke without restraint. “Be that as it may, we should not suit, and cannot marry.”

“But you must surely want a husband,” Mr Collins exclaimed in what seemed as much shock as horror. “I must take it that you have another man in mind.”

Unbidden, the image of Mr Darcy propped into her head, his determined gaze and tight jaw communicatinga stubbornness that matched her own. A pang of some strange and heady emotion shot through Elizabeth’s body like lightning, and she recoiled from its violence and unfamiliarity.

“No, I do not have any husband in mind!” she almost shouted at Mr Collins, before hastily modulating her tone. “I shall be quite content as a spinster aunt to my sisters’ children. Now, I must ask you to let me be. I have much to do before tomorrow.”

“This is most irregular,” Mr Collins said, having shrunk back into the corridor already, as soon as Elizabeth raised her voice, and now regarding her with mingled fascination and wariness. “I must speak with your parents. Yes, that is it. I must speak with Mr and Mrs Bennet, straight away.”

As she puzzled over her cousin’s odd cringing, Elizabeth suddenly realised she was wielding a boot in one hand. Perhaps her cousin thought she intended to hit him with it? Though she would never do such a thing, she could not deny that the thought, once it occurred, was as tempting as it was impossible. An inappropriate burst of laughter bubbled up through her disordered thoughts, but she managed to swallow it as she set down the boot beside its companion.

“As you will, Mr Collins,” Elizabeth said. To her mingled relief and embarrassment, she was beginning to hear the sound of young male voices coming down the corridor from the main hallway. “But I fear my mother will be busy with tea and officers for some time. I recommend that you reflect on my words and change your course. Mary would…”

“How can I return to Hunsford without having secured a bride? Lady Catherine would be most disappointed, and I cannot fail her. She instructed me most clearly on this point. ‘Mr Collins,’ she said…”

Losing patience entirely, and having finished her task in the boot room, Elizabeth marched away past Mr Collins and back towards the drawing room. Behind her, she heard Mr Collins knock again at the library door. Again, he received no answer.