Page 14 of Cade
“This is why I told Evanich here to remember life is more than rugby. I’m sitting here in front of you, barely scraping by to stay on the team when I probably should’ve retired years ago. I keep playing because I’ve got nothing else. I threw away the love of a good woman and have never gotten to know my kids in any real way, and now they don’t want to know me. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I’ve got one more year on my contract after this, then I’m thinking I’m done. I may coach, or I might buy a cabin in the woods somewhere. All I know is that my years after this sport look nothing like I thought they would when I was your age. So learn from my mistakes. You meet someone who makes you feel and want a future? Don’t put them on the fuckingback burner. Don’t take for granted that you can always fix thingslater, because you’ll blink and realize that years have gone by and there’s nothing left to fix. I love rugby and love that I’ve been able to make a career out of it, but looking back I would’ve listened to my older teammates who told me to go home, to skip a practice when Aimee was in labor, or one of the kids was sick. The ones who would tell me that? They’re still married and have relationships with their kids.”
He looks at me directly when he gives us his final word on the matter. “I saw the smile on your face when your girl messaged you. That’s not a smile any woman can put on a man’s face. There’s going to come a time when you have to choose, not for life, but for a moment, an hour, or a day. She’s going to ask you for something simple—your time. Give it to her whenever you can because a good, smart, strong woman won’t settle for being an afterthought forever and she shouldn’t fucking have to.”
We all get up after paying the bill and leave the restaurant to head back to the hotel. Carter, who’s been in deep thought since Anders started talking, asks him a question as we walk down the block. “If you met someone now who made you smile like that…”
Anders answers so fast he doesn’t even slow his steps. “I’d retire. Hell, I’d move wherever they were. I doubt I’ll get another chance at it, but if I ever was lucky enough to, I would cherishit and know that relationship would come first, above anything else.”
Who knew dinner would be so enlightening? The need to get back to my room and call my girl is almost overwhelming. Maybe I just need to admit to myself that things between me and Hanna may be moving fast, but that every step we take just makes me believe even more that she’s the one for me.
Hanna
I’m not sure how this all happened, but the women of this family have taken the clubhouse over. Mom, Ma, and Romona decided that we all needed a girls' night. Mom spoke to Ma and Romona after a conversation she had with Mary earlier in the week and declared it long overdue.
So here we are. Every woman over the age of eighteen in this family is here. We’ve grown over the last few years with some welcome additions, so there are quite a few of us. Mom and Ma had the local Mexican place deliver taco platters along with plenty of chips, queso, and salsa.
I arrived with Kinsley, Kierstie, and Madison. When we walked in, we were greeted with a room fuller than I expected, with all the women in attendance. Even those more loosely connected to the MC family. Romona announces to the room that there aremargaritas and sangria for those of us who are drinking, and for those who might not be able to, there are soda pops and water.
Everyone fills their plates and finds a seat at one of the tables. We all eat in relative quiet until Kierstie speaks up, asking the question that I’m sure most of us are wondering. “So, not that we don’t enjoy getting out of the house and having a girl dinner every now and then, this seemed more like a summons than an invitation, and I’m wondering what’s going on?”
I watch Ma nod to Mom, and they do that whole silent communication thing that two people who have been friends for decades can do. Mom takes a sip of her drink before she speaks to the room.
“I realized earlier this week that some of us married or otherwise spoken-for women have let some of our other younger ladies down. I was asked a question earlier in the week that made me realize we get together to complain about our men and their sometimes lack of…lack of thought—which is necessary and cathartic for us long-time married gals, but I think that we have neglected to share what makes us still choose them daily. I figured maybe we could get together and share. I’m not saying everything has to paint them perfect because gods know they aren’t. Otherwise Wyatt would get his socks in the hamper every night and not two or three times a week max. Also, the men must have seen something on my face because every single oneof them agreed to be on kid duty almost instantly, so then this had to happen.”
Kimbra, who’s been a part of our family for a couple of years at this point and is older than many of us but younger than our moms, speaks up. “I’m guessing this question was emotional and not medical, which means there’s no one answer, am I right?” Mom nods, but before anyone can say anything else, Mary, one of the quietest people in our family, surprises the room by speaking up.
“I think it was my question that made all this come about. You all know my history…well, it’s not filled with love or anything close to it. My mama passed so long ago that we never got to have any talks about falling in love or anything. Add to that, I know she didn’t love my…my sorry excuse for a sperm donor. I just…I just wondered how you know not only when you meet the person who’s right for you, but how do you know what you want and what you won’t compromise on?”
Madison chuckles. “Sometimes you don’t know right away. Sometimes it can take years for each of you to really see each other.” As she shakes her head, she takes a sip of her margarita, probably thinking of everything she and Mick went through to finally get together.
Kimbra, one of the few of us who’s been divorced before, leans back and speaks words that say more than their face value.“You don’t always get it right the first time, or sometimes you do, but you both grow and become two people who aren’t the same as you were before. Love and relationships don’t move like a flowchart. You can’t know ahead of time what the outcome will be, and sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Hell, sometimes it takes a few leaps of faith.” I watch a sea of nods in agreement.
Jane is next to add to the conversation. “It’s not just about finding the right person or persons. It’s about learning what you want, need, and what things you aren’t willing to negotiate about. I was married for a very brief time in my early adulthood. He was an escape from a home life that left a lot to be desired. Mind you, nothing like you left Mary, but it still was worth escaping. My ex was not a nice person. He assumed just because I wasn’t a size six that I needed to be grateful for any attention he gave me. It took me a bit, but I finally realized that I had enough self-worth to leave and be alone. I knew then that if I ever got involved with someone again, that they would have to see me as a person, as an equal, and as someone worthy of attention because they wanted to give it, not because it was contractually or socially expected. I know Jon, Juan, and Rory do all of that and more. I know they love me with their whole heart, as I love them.”
I decide to speak up, not because I can speak from years of experience or because I’m assured of Cade being my future, but because I was raised with love around me and I’ve lived my life with some amazing examples of true love lasting.
“I know I’m not an expert and I can’t claim to have a complete understanding of guys because you all know I’d be lying if I said that. What I can say is that I was raised in this family, surrounded by love. Mom with Dad and Pops, Ma and Pa, Romona first with Mick’s dad, Mitch, and now with Jason. I’ve also watched so many in this family find their forever loves. Kinsley, Kierstie, Madison, and I were raised surrounded by these relationships and the strong women in this room. That being said, I know what I want and what I don’t want.”
Mary looks at me. “What is that exactly?”
I take a breath and a sip of my margarita because it’s freaking delicious. It gives me a moment to collect my thoughts into the right words. “When someone asks me what kind of man I want, I don’t say tall, rich, or handsome. I definitely don’t say perfect. I’ll tell them I want a man who protects my feelingsandmy body. Someone who never makes me question my worth. A man who stays when things get hard. Who doesn’t use the silent treatment as punishment. He needs to be able to communicate, even when it’s not easy. I want a man who choosesmeevery day. The kind of man who understands sometimes he needs tojust listen and not try and solveeverything. I want someone who sees the two of us as a team and not at odds, even when I’m driving him nuts. I want a man who won’t ever make me question his faithfulness. I know I want the damn unicorn.”
Mom nods. “That’s my girl.”
Ma clinks glasses with Mom before she looks at Mary, but also at me, Shelby, Shandy, and Brandy. We’re the only ones in this room who are not married or engaged. I can tell by her expression that Ma is going to add to this conversation.
“The thing about love is that it doesn’t make sense. It’s not supposed to. Love is a feeling, and feelings by definition are messy and complicated. Love is everything big and small. When someone asks me how I know Jonah loves me, the answer isn’t one thing. It’s a million different things. He loves me because he knows how I take my coffee. I know he loves me by helping me get out of my head when I get lost in memories of the past. He loves me because every time the songStuck on Youby Lionel Richie comes on, he twirls me around the room and dances with me while singing along to the song. I know he loves me by the way he loves our kids and grandbabies. I know by the way he kisses me when no one is looking. I know our love continues on after all these years because when he walks into the room, everyone else fades into the background.” She takes a sip and looks at us again.
“You aren’t looking for the same person that Hanna is, Mary. You’re looking for the person who gets you. The person who just knows when you walk into the room. The person who’s got a smile that’s only for you. They’re not going to be perfect. They’re going to have faults that drive you nuts, like leaving their coffee mug next to the sink but not actually in the sink every fucking day. It’s not about either of you being perfect. It’s about whether you’re perfect for each other.”
Romona had gone into the kitchen and came back out with brownies, cookies, and stuff to make walking banana pudding. “Dessert’s up. You know we knew this night would require chocolate.” We all take a few minutes to get some delicious treats and to refill our drinks. As soon as we’re all settling back down, Shelby asks a question.
“What if you think you know who could be the right one for you, but they don’t see you that way or they haven’t moved on from an ex-girlfriend?” Romona, who’s now with Shelby’s dad, answers her. “You can either wait to see if he moves on, tell him how you feel to see if it opens his eyes, or open yourself to the idea that there might be someone else as suited to you and start dating. That’s something that, unfortunately, only you can decide. Love isn’t worked out through a formula or anything. It can hurt, be messy and take its sweet ass time, but it’s still love.Even with the chance of getting hurt, it’s worth it, because love is worth everything.”
Madison, who, since she’s been married to Mick and became a mom, has found her voice and is not afraid to ask whatever is on her mind, looks at Mary like she’s studying her before surprising the room with her question. “I’m just wondering if there’s someone specific that made our Mary here ask that question. Maybe a certain mysterious former lawman who likes to visit the sandwich shop only on days that you’re working?”
I only vaguely listen to Mary’s response because thoughts of Cade take over my mind. His thoughtfulness, kindness, and that smile that he gives me. I know it’s fast, but I feel in my gut and in my heart just how right this thing between us is, and something settles in me, like my soul knows the answer I’m just letting myself believe. This thing…no, this relationship between Cade and me—it’s real, and it’s not casual. I’m more okay with that than I thought I would be.
Kinsley bumps her elbow into mine to get my attention. I look over and see a smile on her face, her hair growing back nicely after finally going into remission after her cancer fight. She points across the room. “My mother-in-law fits in way too well with your mom, Romona, and Ma. A couple more drinks and I have a feeling some karaoke might happen.” Knowing whatalcohol does to this group, that’s not a stretch. I remember the last time alcohol was involved in a girls' night.
