Page 99 of Chasing Hope

Dropping her eyes, she begins organizing the images on the large white A3 poster. Moving photos from spot to spot, her head cocked as she bites her bottom lip in concentration.

“I want to do everything. Anything that ever passes my mind, I’m going to say yes. I want to look back at my life and say, ‘oh my god I can’t believe I did that,’ instead of, ‘I wish I had done that,’” she says. Her gaze remains fixed on what she hopes to be her future while I look at mine—her.

“Have you felt held back?”

Her spark dims. “A lot.”

Before I can stop myself, I ask, “Why did you stay with him?”

She looks up. She’s not surprised I asked, but something tells me she’s disappointed I did.

I feel like an asshole but I need to know; Iwantto know. Because how could she stay with someone who treated her like that when she deserves the world?

I can’t help but feel a flood of emotions.

Jealousy being one, anger being a stronger one, and sadness. Instead of being treated poorly, I could have been the one giving her what she deserves. I could have been giving her the world.

When I was younger, I never thought it was a possibility. Evie is so far away from being a reality that when I think about it, it knocks the wind right out of me. But now that I’ve had this time with her, now that I’ve seen her in my home, in my clothes, I never want to let her go.

It physically pains me to think of a reality where she isn’t in my life.

I can’t imagine a day I wake up and don’t see her bed hair. I can’t imagine a life where I don’t drag her out of bed to go for a hike and savor the way her face lights up at the view once we reach the top.

I can’t let go of her.

It's always been her for me, and standing here in my kitchen, watching her map out a future that doesn’t include me, feels like the worst kind of agony.

“I hope you get everything you wished for in life.”

Evie’s eyes bore through me all the way down to my soul.

“What do you want in life?” she asks.

You.

But I can’t say that, so instead I say what she is to me. “Peace. Happiness.”

“Do you not have that?”

I offer her a crooked grin. “I do now that I’m out of my home. I’m very grateful for my life, I just…”Should I be honest?She’s looking at me like she’s hanging on my every word, like what I say next is so detrimental that I can’t fuck it up.

Of course I should be honest. It’s Evie, I’ve always been able to be honest with her.

“I want to share it with someone,” I whisper hoarsely. “I’m forever grateful that I had your family growing up, but now that it’s just Caleb and I here, I feel like it’s gone quiet again like when I was a kid.”

Reaching forward, her hand slides over mine, the touch restoring something within my heart. I slide my fingers between hers as she acknowledges, “You want a family.”

“One day, I want to have a loud, happy house, filled with everything I craved growing up. But until then, I want to experience life with someone. I want to travel, see the world.”

Grinning, Evie uses her free hand to slide a pile of photos my way. “Paris, London, Milan, Amalfi Coast, Greece, Netherlands, Maldives, Bali, Japan, Switzerland…” She laughs to herself. “Honestly, anywhere and everywhere.”

“You’d love Ireland.”

“Should I add it to the list?”

“Absolutely, the old castles and rolling hills? You’d be in heaven.”

She turns to her open laptop. “On the list it goes.”