Page 89 of Chasing Hope

He takes what he wants, no matter how much I scream, cry, or say no.

My stomach hasn’t stopped rolling since dinner. It’s yelling at me to run from what’s about to happen. To try and fight him this time. I’m older now; I’m thirteen. He said he had to stop because I had changed. He said he didn’t like my body anymore, that I had grown up too fast for him.

At the time, I hadn’t understood, not until I started staring at myself in the mirror more, looking at the swell of my breasts and my hips that were widening. That’s when it had clocked.

I had gotten my first ever period that week.

The look on his face when my mom had embarrassingly told him that I had gotten my period and that’s why I was so grouchy, the horror that overcame his features, is a look I haven’t been able to erase. His stare felt more like a brand, like he was going to tie me to a stake and watch me burn.

He treated me as if I had chosen to get my period, as if I had chosen to defy him, had forced his hand to stop touching me. If Ihad known all it would take was a little blood to stop him from hurting me, I would have lied about it years ago.

But sitting up in my bed, my stomach in knots and my eyes burning since I don’t dare to blink in case I miss him coming through my bedroom door, all I can think about is how I can’t do it again. My body has never accepted it, ever. But this time feels different. The hand on my leg was…punishing.

A door opening down the hall has me springing out of bed before I know what I’m doing.

With my heart in my throat and tears welling in my eyes, I run. I’m not sure where I’m going until my hand is on the doorknob and I’m pushing open the door, slipping inside and closing it behind me quickly.

My chest is heaving, my breathing labored, panic consuming me.

“Dove?”

Lifting my head, my gaze locks on his—the green that I dream about, the green that always saves me. My lips part to say…what, I have no idea, until Caleb emerges from his closet with a frown.

“The hell, V? What are you doing? Get out.”

Shaking my head, I swallow, trying to wet my suddenly dry throat. “C-can I sleep here tonight?”

Caleb rolls his eyes. “No, we’re playingCall of Dutyand you always say we scream too loud.”

“I won’t tonight, I swear. I just…please, Caleb.”

If Caleb lifted his head he would see the panic in my eyes; he would see the way my hand trembles on my chest. If he was listening and not texting his new girlfriend he would hear that something is off.

But he doesn’t.

“Not tonight, V.” His thumbs fly over his phone keyboard before he picks up the PlayStation controller, nudging Matteo. “Are we playing or what?”

But Matteo is looking at me,reallylooking. He doesn’t take his eyes off me as he says, “Just let her sleep?—”

“Dude, the fuck? Why do you want my sister to stay here?”Caleb glances from Matteo to me. “Are you two sneaking behind my back?”

The anger and betrayal in his voice are evident, so evident I close my eyes in defeat. I know I’m not sleeping in here tonight, that he can’t see past his own bullshit to actually see my terror.

“What?” Matteo asks. “Jesus Christ, dude, no.”

The quick objection shouldn’t burn, shouldn’t taste like acid on my tongue, and yet here I am begging to run toward him. Not to my brother, but to Matteo to save me. The one that has always pulled me from the despair and hurt the monster inflicted on me.

Yet at the mention of us, at the possibility of anything, he sounds so…appalled.

Caleb looks back down at his phone as it vibrates. He doesn’t even glance my way as he says, “Not tonight, V. Sorry.”

I can’t move my feet.

I can’t force myself to go back to my room.

I can’t when I know what’s waiting for me.

“Please,” I breathe.