Page 78 of Chasing Hope

I’m trying to be a good girl, I really am. I’m trying so hard but it hurts.

Everything hurts so much.

And if he hears me crying, he will come back. I don’t want him to come back. I hate when he comes into my room. I hate it every time he’s in the house. I hate every time he walks through the front door, smiling at my family like he doesn’t hurt me when he’s here.

Tears drop onto my knees as I try and make myself as small as possible. Sitting in my closet in the dark, I slap a hand over my mouth, trying to hide the sound.

He says it’s not meant to make me cry. He says it’s meant to make me feel good. He says that you do it when you love each other.

But if this is love, I don’t want it.

I don’t love him.

His love hurts me.

I hate love.

To stop myself from crying, I peer down at my wrist, at the bracelet I made to help me when I float away. We were makingbracelets in class last week and the teacher asked us to craft it after something that makes us feel good. Matteo’s smile was the first thing to pop into my mind.

He doesn’t smile much, but when he thinks no one is looking, his lips twitch.

I don’t understand why he tries to hide his smile. I think his smile is beautiful. I asked Mommy once why he doesn’t let himself smile and she told me it’s because his parents don’t allow him.

But that doesn’t make sense. What Mommy and Daddy doesn’t want their kid to smile? I wish Matteo would smile every day.

Twisting the bracelet around and around, I focus on the colors—blue for my eyes and green for his. Matteo has the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen. Sometimes they go dark depending on the light and it’s like looking into a forest. In the sun, they turn so bright it makes my stomach tumble. I put hearts between the blue and green beads because when I look at Matteo, mine starts beating really quickly.

My tears are slow now, only coming every so often.

Taking a deep breath, I quietly slide the closet door open just enough to let one of my eyes peek through the slit. When I find no one in my room, I sigh.

When he started coming into my room at night, I began to hate my room. Still hate it. I can’t sit on my bed anymore without thinking of him.

Slowly crawling out of the closet, I freeze when I hear a sniffle.

I hold my breath, listening really hard, and that’s when it happens again.

Another sniffle.

I know it is, because I was just trying not to make that sound. Though what doesn’t make sense is that it’s coming from outside.

Slowly crawling over to my bedroom window, I ease myself up, just enough so I can peek out. Is it Caleb? But why would he be outside sniffling? Is he sick?

Scanning the backyard, my eyes freeze as I spot a figure on the trampoline. It takes me a moment to realize it’s not Caleb but Matteo, and his shoulders are shaking.

Without thinking, I run out of my room, keeping my steps as quiet as a mouse. I take the stairs two at a time, making quick work of unlocking the back door before sliding it open.

My heart is pounding, my ears ringing as I head toward the trampoline.

Matteo is lying on his side, curled in a tight ball, holding his knees to his chest. He’s crying so loud it makes my chest ache.

When I climb onto the trampoline, the movement startles him. Matteo scrambles into a sitting position. He looks at me, eyes red-rimmed, cheeks wet from his tears.

“Valenti?”

“Hi, Dove,” he whispers, voice cracking.

The sound of his heartbreak snaps me out of my trance. Crawling over, I sit beside him, my eyes never leaving his as he seems to hold his breath.