Page 42 of Chasing Hope

He struggled to share his feelings and that became my burden. Suddenly, I was a therapist, googling ways to make it work. Suppressing my feelings so he felt safe enough to have his until I was too afraid to cry or say I was upset, otherwise I was making anunsafe emotional environment, according to him.

I couldn’t even be excited. Any show or plot twist I watched or read about was met with him always there telling me toshut up, that I was anoctave too high.

The one that truly cut deep was when he said I spoke just to hear the sound of my own voice.

He said he didn’t owe me apologies when he hurt my feelings, but I was a bitch if I didn’t apologize for something thathedid.

He never invited me out with his friends, even when I was invited to the parties, too. He’d just hide it from me and come back saying,oh you would have loved it, you could have come.

Or I could tell the girls about the half-naked women he looked at online, the exact type he said he despised.

The man despised me. Hated me.

And yet, he wouldn’t let me go.

Stillwon’t let me go.

Because it’s a hit to his ego that I left him.

So instead, he made me feel small.

He made me quiet.

He stole my voice.

He stole my spark.

He made me hate myself.

And I utterly hate him for it.

But I hate myself more for accepting that type of treatment.

How did I ever think so low of myself to believe I deserved to be treated like I was nothing?

“Well, fuck them!” Cindy suddenly declares, her voice so loud the guys at the other end of the table fall silent.

My cheeks flame as I lock eyes with Matteo. The corner of his lip twitches and in response, I arch a brow at him as if to say,what? He just shakes his head, rubbing a hand over his mouth to hide his coy smile.

“Go on, back to talking about the puck.” Cindy waves them off, O’Connor laughing loudly at her antics. “Well, I for one am glad they’re out of your life because now we get you all to ourselves!”

“Ooh!” Layla pipes up. “We have a book club! You should join the group chat.”

“And girls’ nights at Totti’s!” Bella adds.

Wincing, I admit, “I don’t read that much but I’m happy to be there for the vibes and I’m always down for girls’ nights.”

Bella leans forward. “Trust me, I didn’t read before either but once you see the texts these two send, you’ll get curious.”

Smiling at their kindness and how welcoming they are, I suddenly don’t want to be left out.I need to start living again.“Okay, I’ll join the chat and see what all the fuss is about.”

Layla claps her hands. “I’m converting another. I feel it in my bones.”

Cindy smiles as she flicks her blonde hair off her shoulder, lifting her glass of wine. “Layla is the avid reader in our little group. She’s been reading since she was young. You should see the library Kieran built her.”

My jaw drops. “He built you a library?”

Layla’s cheeks flush as she tucks a lock of red hair behind her ear and peers down at her plate, suddenly finding it very interesting. “Yes, he built me bookshelves…and dedicated a room for me to read in.”