Page 26 of Chasing Hope

I think he knew what he was doing by going shirtless as well.

The fucker. Attractive bastard.

I lift my nose in the air. “No.”

“What are you doing?”

“Arguing.”

“Yes, I can fucking tell. What I don’t understand is why.” Matteo drops his arms, a look of utter defeat overcoming him. “Is this really that miserable for you? We used to hike together all the time.”

Guilt wracks my body, my stubborn chin slowly lowering. I’ve never seen Matteo so open like this, have never been able to read his emotions so easily as I can now, and the only difference is…this time he’s allowing me to. Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose. “No, of course not. It’s just…”

Matteo waits patiently, allowing me a moment to unscramble my thoughts.

Blowing out a breath, I spot a fallen log to the side. I drop down on it, taking water out of my pack and officially commencing a break.

I pull the hair tie out of my hair and redo my ponytail, needing to do something with my hands. I can feel him watching me, waiting, and I know he won’t drop this. No matter how long I take, Matteo will wait. He has the patience of a saint when it comes to me.

Sighing once more, I finally admit, “I’ll sound pathetic.”

“I’ll never judge you, Dove. You know that.”

I bite my bottom lip. Do you know how hard it is to talk to someone about your crumbling, shitty life when that said person excels at everything? It’s torture.

“I’m tired.” A humorless laugh escapes me. “So fucking tired,allthe time. Brushing my teeth? Going to the bathroom? Cooking myself a meal? The thought of creating a new resume and job hunting? Tired, tired, tired,tired. Even the sound of my mother’s voice right now creates a bone-deep exhaustion in me.” Spreading my arms out, I admit, “I am so fucking exhausted that I am tired from being exhausted.”

Matteo bends down, squatting in front of me with his arms hanging over his knees. “Are you depressed, Dove?”

The question is asked so gently that I’m surprised my eyes start to burn, surprised that my throat tightens—all the telltale signs that I’m about to cry.

A tear springs free, rolling down my cheek before I quickly swat it away. Even when I believe I’ve cried myself dry, my body somehow produces more.

“I don’t know. Maybe? I’ve never had depression. I don’t know what it feels like.”

Matteo cocks his head, his tone even gentler than before. “I think it feels exactly like what you’re describing.”

I blow out a raspberry. “Well…that sucks.”

Matteo nods slowly, watching me. “This isn’t just about the break-up, is it?”

My heart sinks, a tsunami of emotions rising to the surface, and before I can try and stop it, the dam within me breaks, and the truth spills free. “No.”

A pained expression crosses Matteo’s face. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I can’t,” I breathe, tears flowing faster than before. “And I thinkthat’swhat’s destroying me.”

“Why can’t you?”

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lock my watery eyes on his devastated green ones. “It will change everything,” I confess.

“How so?”

Like it always does when I think about it, my gut churns. “Everyone’s lives will change.” Offering a sad smile, I go on. “And I don’t think I can bear to be the one to destroy them.”

I can see Matteo’s mind whirling, the cogs turning, but no matter how much he tries to place the puzzle pieces together, he will never uncover the truth.

Howfuckinglucky that my secret is so morbidly horrific that no one could ever guess it.