Page 215 of Chasing Hope

Caleb’s guilt is eating him from the inside out, leaving him nothing but a hollow shell.

Kieran must be thinking the same I am. We dip our chins at each other, a silent conversation that we will both do our best to help our friend—a brother in every sense—in whatever capacity we can.

And that Evie isn’t the only one we need to be worried about.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, my back to the vanity sink, one arm up on my knee, I gaze at the beautiful woman I’m lucky enough to call mine. She has her chin on her forearms, where they rest crossed on the edge of the clawfoot tub.

Over the last twenty minutes, we’ve done just this, staring at each other as she slowly comes back to herself, trying the techniques her therapist supplied her with to come back to full consciousness after dissociating.

Tilting her head, putting her cheek on her forearm now, she whispers in the quiet steamed bathroom, “Kieran said thirteen women have come forward.”

My heart pinches at her matter-of-fact tone. That we can talk so casually about something so horrendous because she’s been programmed to be used to it.

Swallowing thickly, I run a hand through my hair. “While you were with Kieran another two stepped forward with similar stories.”

Evie closes her eyes slowly, taking a steadying breath before focusing on me again. “Similar stories?”

Nodding slowly, I explain, “They all seem to be the same.”

“Young girls.” Evie’s tone is devoid of any emotion, her eyes starting to get that faraway glaze again. “Small…vulnerable.”

“Yes.”

“How did he keep them quiet?”

Pursing my lips, I give myself a moment to formulate the best way to express what I’m about to say next. “I received a call from the detective on your case. It’s best that for now you don’t hear the stories from the other women. He had an MO, if you will, and if you hear what they said?—”

“They can say we orchestrated it,” she finishes for me.

I give her a tight-lipped smile. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” She shakes her head. “It’s not just about me anymore. It’s about all the little girls he hurt and getting justice for them. He was a soccer coach for little league teams for…years. I imagine there’s far more than fifteen.”

“Most likely.” Heaving out a sigh, I say earnestly, “I’m still sorry all the same. Perhaps when this is all over you girls could talk. It might help since they know how you feel.”

Grimacing, she wraps her arms around her body, lying down in the tub so her hair fans out in the water. “Not sure any of them would want to hear from the daughter of their rapist.”

My eyes close of their own accord at the guilt I hear in her voice. “Dove…”

“No, Matteo. If that were me, I’d want me dead.”

“They don’t blame you.”

“You don’t know that.”

I can’t help but sigh as I relent, “No, I don’t, but I hope they wouldn’t.”

The room falls silent until I hear a barely audible whisper. Moving forward, I place my chin in my hand, my elbow on the tub, as I ask, “What, my Dove?”

Keeping her body submerged beneath the bubbles, she turns her head to me, her voice cracking as she confesses, “I was relieved when he told me.”

Before I can school my expression, I frown. “Relief?”

“I know, right? It’s selfish to feel relief. I felt everything alongside it—anger, rage,fury. Guilt that it was my father that hurt other little girls, confusion because he told me—” She clears her throat and goes on. “Told me that I was special, but beneath all ofthat, there is this undeniable relief and I can’t stop thinking about how much of a god-awful person I must be to feel that. Because if it wasn’t just me, then it means there’s nothing wrong with me. It means that it wasn’t my fault.”

“It was never your fault.”

“You don’t understand, Matteo. For over ten years of my life, the man who was supposed to protect me instead molded my mind to suit his needs. He brainwashed me into thinking that what he was doing was love. It may have hurt, it may have made me feel disgusting and wrong, but he told me it was love. He told me that I tempted him, that I deserved it, that I must’ve worn dresses to tease him throughout the day and that it worked.”