Page 209 of Chasing Hope

My eyes all but pop out of my head. “Me?” I ask incredulously. “Why was she protecting me?”

“We both idolized him growing up. She didn’t want to destroy that.”

“She didn’t destroy it,” I snarl. “He did.”

Matteo raises his hands as if in surrender. “I’m just repeating what she said. I didn’t agree with it. It fucking killed me to look you in the eye and know I was keeping such a thing from you.”

The passing weeks click into place. “That’s why you were avoiding me?”

Shrugging, he drops his hands by his sides. “I couldn’t face you knowing what I knew. We were already on rocky footing, so it made it easy to just…”

“Avoid me.”

Grimacing, Matteo dips his chin.

Blowing out a heavy breath, I flop down into the seat I vacated. To my utter annoyance, I sit on my phone, which is still vibrating. I run a hand through my hair. “I’m a fucking jackass.”

Taking the seat beside mine, Matteo repeats, “You didn’t know she was dealing with this.”

“But I knewsomethingwas happening. It’s why I was so mad at you two. I knew there was something else she was keeping from me and it fucking hurt that I was no longer the person she came to when she was upset. I just got tunnel vision and instead of looking at myself to wonder why she wasn’t opening up to me I…punished her.” Rubbing my hand over the stubble I need to shave, I add, “I shouldn’t have treated her the way I did. It just gave me so much fucking anxiety, I was a live wire.”

“Has it been getting bad again?” Matteo asks softly.

I look out toward the forest. It’s fitting, the darkness seems to match the sadness filling my body. Shrugging, I purposely don’t answer him—we have bigger issues to fry at the moment and my pesky goddamn anxiety is not going to be one of them.

Because I’m fucking tired of it.

It’s like a niggling feeling that something is going to happen. Like a friend is talking behind your back or a meeting isn’t going to go well. But when you try to confront the feeling—ask the friend what’s going on, try to probe into the contract—you’re met with standard refusals, that everything’s fine and there’s no need to worry.

But it leaves your mind reeling, your thoughts spinning and heart raging. Because you know something is off. You feel it within your soul.

And then later, that feeling turns out to be right. Your friend has been badmouthing you for weeks, and that apparently normal meeting is you being fired.

Every single time, your feeling turns out to be right, and yet when you try to confront it early and people deny it, it makes you feel crazy.

That’s how I felt with Evie. I held a lot of resentment toward her because she’s never made me feel that way, and whenever I did see her I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, demanding her to let me in and tell me. In this instance, I hate to be right, hate that the feeling was correct and that there was something she was hiding from me.

I just thought it was Matteo. I thought they were lying about when they got together. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was something as sinister as this. If I knew, even just an inkling, I would have been supportive, would have told her to take her time.

Instead, I was a self-righteous prick hellbent on proving that my feeling that she was hiding something from me was right.

Leaning forward, I place my forearms on my knees, watching Matteo out the corner of my eye, his own thoughts spinning. “You’ve been taking care of her?”

His gaze flicks to me then as he says sincerely, “In the best way I possibly could. I knew it wasn’t just about Carter cheating.”

Blowing out a breath, I drop my head. “Fuck. When she told me he and Felicity got close after she explained everything to them, it made me want to throttle him. Still do.”

“Trust me, I’m feeling very fucking happy with myself over the fact I pummeled his face the last time I saw him.” He rubs his temple. “But he’s the least of our concerns now. I’ve been there for her the moment she told me. Did the research, found her the therapist, helped her through nightmares and flashbacks. I have tried to piece her shattered heart back together but the way he’s trying to tarnish her name while your mom stands beside him and supports him…I can’t fix that, Caleb. It’s fucking breaking her.” A muscle feathers in his jaw. “She didn’t come all this way, didn’t start healing the horrors he put her through, only for him to win.”

“He won’t,” I vow. “We’ll get the best damn lawyers there are and fucking hammer him into the ground until he’s rotting in a cell. I’ve heard how they treat pedophiles in prison and he deserves every bit of pain coming his fucking way.”

“Couldn’t agree more with you.” Matteo’s brow arches. “And your mom?”

My heart turns as cold as my voice. “As far as I’m concerned, she’s dead to both of us.”

Silence falls heavy over us, but the way I’ve treated both him and Evie about their relationship continues to worm its way through my mind. A tiny voice growing in volume until it’s screaming at me about how horrible I am.

Coughing, I try to swallow past the boulder of emotion stuck in my throat. “I want to make it clear that I’m beyond happy that you two are together, truly. I hope my reaction can just be forgotten, but I know it can’t, so I’m sorry. So fucking sorry, because there is no other man I would want to be with my sister. I know your heart, Matteo, and I know you’ll treat her the way she deserves. I’m sorry I ever doubted that.”