Page 207 of Chasing Hope

MITCHEL

My brother’s interning at a criminal defense office. I’ll have him send over numbers for you if needed

JOHNSON

gutted for you all. please tell Evie that we have her back, the whole team. we’re her family, always were and always will be

My phone won’t stop vibrating.

You’d think the heartfelt messages from the guys on the team would warm the cold that’s seeped into my bones, and perhaps it would if my mother’s contact would stop flashing across my home screen.

If you told me two days ago that I’d have dread settling into the pit of my stomach at seeing my mom calling me, I would have laughed in your face, and yet here I am, sitting on the cabin’s veranda at three o’clock in the morning, staring down at my phone in my hands as the screen goes black, the thirty-seventh call ignored.

Until it starts up again.

This is how precious life is, how fast it can change and how quickly your entire world, everything you ever thought you knew, can flip on its axis, throwing you into a reality that you’re struggling to grapple with. One that makes you want to close your eyesand never wake up.

There’s a small part of me that wants to pick up the phone, that wants to break down and be consoled by the woman that was always there for me through every hard bump in my life, but I know I won’t get that version.

Perhaps that version never existed.

Because how could I have such a kind, loving mother while that same woman rejects Evie? She told her point blank she doesn’t believe her. She chose a monster over her own daughter.

I don’t want to hear her lies. It will only anger me and I don’t think my heart can handle any more hatred. It’s one more blip away from exploding. My head feels full, my body at its capacity, and for once in my life I’m wondering if I can face what’s ahead of me. The feelings aren’t lessening, my mind isn’t settling, and the guilt that continues to suffocate me…might succeed.

Growing up, the pressure of hockey and the weight of standards for me to perform felt like they were taking me to the bottom of the ocean. Felt like they were trying to drown me as I did everything to keep my head afloat. And all that was nothing compared to how I feel now.

Nothing in my life has ever prepared me for this devastation.

And for the first time since I was sixteen, filled with anxiety and such deep emotions, all I can think about is the only way I could find relief back then…

No one knows. No one looks closely at the white lines on my hips. No one bats an eye when I get changed.

But I know it’s there, taunting me whenever I feel that overwhelming tidal wave building and surging.

How fucking pathetic am I that the only struggles in my life were that I could barely cope with the performance anxiety and stress weighing on my shoulders. Meanwhile, my sister laid down the hallway, just one wall separating us as our father…

My body snaps upright as I hurl over the railing, just making it in time to aim my bile at the dirt and not the veranda wood.

I can’t stop seeing it and I didn’t even experience it.

I can’t imagine the memories that haunt Evie, and I didn’t even know.

Not one inkling.

Nothing ever gave it away.

I thought I was lucky growing up. There were so many guys on my team that had divorced parents or fathers that yelled at them in the parking lot after a game loss. Yet mine was supportive—ironic, really, considering the anxiety I felt—and I was immensely grateful for the father I had.

Isn’t it fucking disgusting how you can be in the same household, have the same parents, and yet have tremendously different childhoods?

I’m her big brother. I’m supposed to protect her. I’ve always tried, have always been there when a boy made her cry or girls were mean to her. And yet, when it mattered most, I wasn’t there for her.

I fucking turned her away for God’s sake. She was standing in my bedroom begging to be saved and I was too selfishly consumed to ever notice her fear.

I mean what I said to Evie earlier—I fucking hate myself. I’ve never hated myself like I do now.

I wish I?—