Page 184 of Chasing Hope

Kalani groans. “I want to see the hockey men! But it’s my anniversary dinner.”

“Damn, okay. Next home game then.”

Tristan snorts. “Let’s hope it will be the team commiserating. I want to cheer some of them up.”

Kalani throws a wadded-up napkin at his head. “You’re ruthless.”

“More like genius.”

Waving off our friends, Angel turns to me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “Home game it is. When’s the next one after tonight?”

Frowning, I try to think of his schedule, only to come up blank. “I’m honestly not sure. I’ll ask Matteo and let you guys know the details.”

She claps. “I’m so goddamn excited!”

Kalani gives me a look. “Just so you know, that excitement is purely for the single men on the team.”

“Oh, one hundred percent. Have you seen them?” Leaning into my side, Angel whispers, “Meeting your man is just a bonus.”

“Maybe the little she-devil herself over here will find a man.”

Angel rolls her eyes. “Please, he’d have to be a saint to put up with my debauchery.”

“I can’t wait to see who could be good enough for you.”

“He’d have to be a saint indeed,” Kalani mutters.

Angel’s knowing smirk makes us all chuckle.

Chapter 53

Evie

*32 Unread Text Messages*

Ishould be happy right now.

I should feel elation, joy, but it’s buried beneath a suffocating blanket of dread. I don’t think I even feel sad, I just feel tired. So endlessly tired. And no matter how hard I try to shake it off, it continues to smother me, pinning me down like he did and refusing to retract its claws of horror.

Everything feels tainted.

Matteo and I had the most magical time the other night. I have a group of friends that adore me, a job I love, and yet waking up today, I feel so deeply unhappy I’m ashamed to not be more grateful.

Ashamed that with everything going right in my life I keep allowing something that happened over a decade ago to slowly kill me. Ashamed that I can’t get over it, ashamed that my mind seems to be stuck on an endless loop, repeating the memories like a TV show rerun.

It’s my birthday today. I woke up healthy and breathing soundly while another didn’t wake from their sleep, while another got terrible news, while another lost their loved one. There are people that are experiencing the worst day of their livesand here I am with a beautiful one that I can’t seem to fully enjoy because my mind won’t let me move on.

I’ve been lying in bed with tears streaming down my cheeks for what feels like hours but I know is only minutes. Matteo, my sweet, kindhearted, caring, and loving boyfriend, is downstairs, the sound of him likely tinkering with a birthday surprise drifting up to his bedroom where I lie.

And yet I can’t move.

I’m utterly incapacitated by the memory I can’t forget.

My body is locked, frozen, as if I’m eight years old again, lying in that bed…

The tears won’t stop coming.

Because the memory won’t stop playing.