Page 147 of Chasing Hope

She surprises me once more when she doesn’t pull out a notebook.

Aren’t they meant to take notes?

Wringing my hands in my lap, picking at the skin around my nailbeds to give my fidgeting fingers something to do, I wobble through an answer. “I’ve had a lot of stress in my life recently. A lot of…change.”

She nods along, her smile warm and inviting. “What kind of change?”

Blowing out a breath, I cross my ankles, then uncross them. “I found my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend in our bed the same day I was fired from my job.”

Her brows shoot into her hairline. “Stress is an understatement. That would be a lot to process in one day, let alone a month.”

“Yeah, it was a lot…”

She cocks her head. “But that’s not all of it, it seems. Is there more you wish to share with me?”

Intuitive.

This is dangerous for my poor heart and its incessant need to avoid the topic haunting me.

“I, um…” Clearing my throat, I try to force the words out. “I had some childhood memories resurface. Things I didn’t remember at all until a few months ago.”

Her face seems to grow softer, gentler. “It’s always hard when memories come up, but I assure you, it’s very normal. Did it happen all at once or in pieces?”

“Pieces,” I breathe, my chest rising and falling faster the more she probes.

“Do you know what triggered the memories? Typically, it can be a smell, certain keywords, people that remind us of others, events that are similar.” She shrugs. “Sometimes they can arise forno reason at all, so there’s no pressure if you can’t pinpoint anything.”

Licking my dry lips, I’m surprised to hear how small my voice is. “It was an event that…made my body feel…like… It wasn’t happening again but it…”

“Reminded your body of the time?” she gently offers for me.

Nodding, I murmur, “Yes.”

“Do you feel comfortable sharing with me what you were doing?”

I have to, that’s why I’m here—to try and face the unthinkable. To try and live my life without the memories hounding me. To try and walk down the street without cringing away from men when they get too close. To try and feel safe when I go to sleep at night.

I want to feel safe again.

So I part my lips, take a deep breath, and talk.

Chapter 44

Evie Twelve Months Ago

Carter grins down at me. The only time his eyes sparkle like this is during sex. Sometimes, I swear it’s all he thinks about.

Lying on my back with him moving on top of me, I run my hands over his chest until he grabs them. Not pausing his movements, he leans to the side and grabs his work tie. My breath hitches as he begins to tie my wrists together.

I don’t particularly want to do this; I’m not yearning for it.

But something deep within my mind always tells me to just do it, go along with whatever he wants and keep him happy.

Get it over with.

Sex has always been something that I just have togetthrough.

A performative task—arch your back, flip your hair, scrape your nails down his chest, move your hips, kiss him like this, he will cum, and it will be done.