Page 239 of Fighting Chance

“Kieran?” I call out.

My medication has begun to take effect again and I’m nowhere near as lethargic as I was just a week ago, but I’m still tired. A different kind, though—this is weathered by sadness.

Suddenly, he bursts through the trees, a wide grin spreading across his face. “You found it.”

“Was hard to miss,” I say, pointing to the cardboard sign he put up that reads,Park here.“What are we doing up here?”

Holding out his hand, he intertwines our fingers, lifting mine up to his lips and placing a kiss on the back of it. “I’d rather show you.”

Biting my lip, I let him lead me down a nondescript path that’s been cut through the forest, the trees surrounding us as if welcoming us into their fold.

“How was your day?” he asks, trying to make small talk.

Kieran never makes small talk. Ever.

“Um…okay?”

“Well it’s going to get a whole lot better than just okay.”

“Is that so?”

“Oh baby, that’s a promise.”

Stepping in front of me, Kieran wipes his palms down his black jeans, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“Kieran Ashford…are you nervous?”

“Fuck yeah I am.”

For the first time in a week, I laugh, and not just a small chuckle—a deep belly laugh that seems to come from my soul. I’m not at all surprised that Kieran was the one to make me do it.

His eyes spark with life. “I missed that sound.”

“My laugh?”

He dips his chin. “I live for the sound of your joy.” Taking a shuddering breath, he goes on. “I know the past week has been unbearable. I also know there’s nothing I can do to fix this for you, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t killing me a little inside. This is a big adjustment for you, something that you shouldn’t have to let go of, and fuck, sunshine, if I could change that for you I would. In a split second. I wouldn’t ask questions on what I’d have to do.”

The back of my eyes begin to burn.

Reaching out, Kieran clasps both my hands in his. “But I would do that foryou. I love you with my entire heart, and most importantly, I love you as you are.”

My lip trembles, my knees threatening to buckle. “But you told me you wanted a big family. You told me you’ve dreamed of it and the warm and loving home you can make and I can’t giveyou any of that, Kieran.” My voice cracks. “I can’t give you the thing you deserve and after the childhood you had, you deserve it. More than deserve it, it’sowedto you.”

I try to drop his hands, try to step back, but he won’t let me. Kieran steps with me, never letting go of my hands. If anything, he’s clinging to them for dear life.

“That’s the thing, there is no family without you. You are my family, Layla, you and Emmy. You two are the most important things in the world to me. You are my other half, the person I want to tackle life with through the highs and lows, and if I can’t experience it with you, I don’t know if I could cope. You are the one that brought sunshine into my life when all I had was a dark cloud hanging over my head.” He bends slightly, making our eyes lock. “If you go, you’ll be taking my happiness with you. I don’t want to have you in my life to have babies, I want you because I loveyou.”

He steps closer, our shoes brushing one another as he drops my hands only to cup my cheeks gently, as if I’m the most precious thing to exist. “YouLayla Carson. I love you and the light you bring with you everywhere you go.”

Shaking my head, my tears fall freely. This is why I didn’t want to have this conversation. This is why I’ve been avoiding it.

“I’m not allowing you to let go of your dream for me, not one as important as a family.”

“You’re not hearing me, baby. Youaremy family.” He leans forward and presses his lips against my forehead. “There would be no family without you, and Emmy can attest to that.” Pulling back, he holds my gaze as he says sincerely, “The thing you’re forgetting to ask is how I want to have a family. I’ve always wanted to adopt, Layla. Always. I knew that if I found the right person, I would want to save children from the same fate I suffered. Family has never meant blood to me. Besides Emmy, my entire family is made up of the people I’ve grown to love and have met through life.”

The air in my lungs is stolen with every word he speaks.

“You would be okay not having any more children of your own?”