Page 233 of Fighting Chance

“The labs ran everything like you said and along with it, they checked your hormone levels. Unfortunately, they’ve come backto show your AMH levels are low, along with estradiol, and a high level of FSH.”

“What does that mean?” Kieran asks before I can, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth.

“Layla, I want to do a transvaginal ultrasound today if that’s okay?”

“To check what?” I ask, finally finding my voice.

She licks her lips. “With bloodwork like yours, it indicates that your ovaries might not be…functioning as they should. I’d like to do the ultrasound to see what’s going on.”

Blinking furiously, I lean back as if I was struck. “M-my ovaries?”

“Yes,” she answers matter-of-factly.

And suddenly, as good as Kieran’s presence is, as comforting and reassuring, all I want is my mom to wrap her arm around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to stop time, I want all the voices to fade, I want to go back to thirty minutes ago when I just thought it was a lupus flare-up.

I don’t want to be gently led to the bed, I don’t want Kieran’s gentle touches and soothing words, I don’t want to have to give verbal and written consent to an internal examination of my ovaries. I don’t want to be clinging to Kieran’s hand for support, him kissing my forehead and telling me I’m doing a good job, as the wand is inserted so high it’s painful.

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to be getting this test.

And I don’t want to hear what she has to say next. Because nothing and no one can comfort me when I see the look in Dr. Montary’s eyes.

Kieran sees it too.

“Please just say it.”

Even to my own ears, I’m shocked at how…broken I sound.

Dead inside.

She removes the wand, taking off her gloves, and with one nod, the technician that was assisting her leaves. She motions for me to sit up but I’m afraid if I do I’ll pass out.

“Please,” I beg. “Just spit it out.”

She lays her hand on my arm, her smile so sad it makes me steel my heart, but nothing could have prepared me.

“Layla, I’m so sorry. There’s tremendous scarring on your ovaries. It looks as if there’s also structural damage and your antral follicle count is…nonexistent.”

“What does that mean?” Kieran demands.

Dr. Montary looks from Kieran to me as she rips out my heart. “Layla I’m sorry but the damage to your ovaries…with no active follicles…your ovaries are not functioning as they should.”

“Say it,” I beg through a gasp.

I need to hear her say it.

“I’m sorry Layla but your tests are showing no remaining ovarian activity. With these results, it would be nearly impossible to conceive naturally.”

My lip is the first to wobble.

Then my hand.

And then my heart.

It teeters over a wall, falling to its death.

The sound that leaves my mouth isn’t human, it’s animalistic.