Page 209 of Fighting Chance

He shakes his head, blinking furiously, and the horror that’s etched across his face has tears rolling down my cheeks despite me knowing he needs my strength right now.

Clearing my throat, I urge him again. “Through your nose, baby, that’s it. One, two, three, four, and hold it.” I hold it with him, never dropping my gaze from his before I blow it out slowly, Kieran mirroring me.

“H-he?—”

I shake my head now, knowing he might never be able to say the words without panic making him choke.

“It’s okay, baby,” I whisper, rubbing soothing circles with my thumb on his nape. “You don’t have to say it, Kieran. I know.” I take a shuddering breath with him, letting Kieran see the utter devastation wracking my body as I repeat. “I know.”

This is why Kieran was so upset about Emmy’s injustice, by the injustice to all victims.

Because they very rarely get it.

Even if they do, the people who are hurt are left like this, paralyzed by their fear and trauma, the heinous crimes irreversibly altering their brain.

No amount of justice will ever erase the act.

Tears pour freely down Kieran’s cheek. He’s nodding his head, imploring with his eyes everything he wants to say and yet physically can’t. Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against mine and breathes in deeply, clutching my hand instead of his chest now.

“That’s it, Kieran. Keep breathing, baby. I’ve got you.”

It takes thirty minutes for Kieran to speak again.

“Do they happen often?” I ask as I hand him a glass of water. He’s in clothes now, his comfort set. I knew he needed to feel as safe and comfortable as possible the moment he was somewhat breathing normally again.

I’ve never seen someone so grateful to be handed a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie.

“They happened a lot during school. I thought I had a handle on them but they started up again recently.”

“Because of Emmy?”

He cocks his head side to side. “Yes and no. I mean, obviously everything that Emmy went through was triggering, stirred up a lot of my own memories, but it’s been cathartic to give her everything I wanted.” He sighs heavily, avoiding my eye. “If I’m honest, a lot was stirred up because I didn’t feel good enough for you.”

Guilt slams through me. “Kieran, you’re more than good enough. Me pushing you away was never about you. I was terrified because you don’t deserve my baggage.”

“Baggage? Layla, you don’t have baggage.”

“You’re getting to know me during a time when I’m healthier, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have lupus. I’ll always have it, and to date someone with an illness like mine is a constant rollercoaster. I didn’t want to subject you to that.”

Kieran places his glass down, only to pick up my hands. “Then we ride it together. Every rollercoaster has a free seat beside it.”

Snorting at his analogy, his earnest smile makes me laugh. “Well it’s good to know I have a ride partner.”

“For life.”

My cheeks heat.

Running his fingers through his hair, Kieran sighs. “About the matron…I feel like I should explain why I haven’t reported her. Honestly, the fact I didn’t haunts me every day, because I’m no better than her. I know the abuse continued when I left, and I allowed it to continue.”

“You weren’t the only one to stay silent, Kieran,” I whisper.

He nods, his eyes taking on a farawaylook.

“She…” His low voice, the timidness, breaks my heart. “She said everyone would become homeless if I told…if any of us told. She said no one wanted us, that no one loved us, and this was all we had.” He closes his eyes, grimacing. “I locked it away so thoroughly I forgot why I never decided to tell someone.” He shakes his head. “I should have told someone sooner. I should have done something. The amount of children?—”

At seeing the panic starting up once again, I gently grab his cheeks. “Baby, look at me.”

His eyes fly open.