Page 94 of Colorado Bride

ChapterSixteen

Gone.Emily gone.Is Doc right?Am I a fool?How can I convince her I love her when I don’t know what love is?I thought I loved Melissa, now I wonder if I really did.Why was I upset when she jilted me?Was I hurt because the woman I loved left me?Or was I embarrassed that I’d been left?Embarrassed.That’s all.She damaged my reputation.

I never felt about Melissa the way I feel for Emily.I believed the feeling was only lust, but the thought of Emily leaving me…I can’t imagine going on without her.She is my light.My life is so much better because of her.

I need to tell her.But how do I tell her something I professed to not believe in?And she went along with it.Accepted me with all my excuses, hoping I’d love her.And today, she was terrified that I’d hate her.I could never hate her…I love her.

He closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair as the enormity of what he’d done washed through him.He felt like he’d been sucker punched and wish he had been.That would be so much easier to face than the bleak look in Emily’s eyes before she went upstairs.

I never gave her any reason not to think that I would hate her over Mother’s death, but I don’t.

But haven’t I always treated her well?

It’s not enough you idiot.You say one thing and then do another.How is she supposed to know what to believe?

“Emily.”

He whispered her name.

Emily lay in bed feeling sorry for herself.Her shoulder hurt, her head hurt and her heart hurt.Ben didn’t hate her, that was good but she figured he didn’t feel enough about her either way.He sure as heck didn’t love her as he took every opportunity to remind her.Every time she thought she was making headway, he’d tell her that he didn’t know how to love.

“Emily.”

She looked up when Ben entered the bedroom with a tray.

“Why are you crying, love?”

She sniffled.

“I hurt, but I didn’t realize I was crying.I must hurt more than I thought.”

She wasn’t about to tell him he was the reason she shed tears.Come to think of it, he was the only reason she’d shed tears since she came.

He couldn’t love her.All he and she felt for each other was lust.She’d heard it all at one time or another.She didn’t want to hear again how he couldn’t love her because he didn’t know how.

Ben came and sat on the bed beside her.

“Do you want me to lie down with you?I would be gentle and could hold you in my arms.”

“No.That’s not necessary.”She avoided his gaze and steeled her heart against more hurt.“You must have chores to do.”

“They will wait.You need me now.”

She lay stiffly on the bed.

“I’m fine.Nothing a little laudanum and some sleep won’t cure.”

Ben frowned.

If he had been anyone else she might have thought that her rejection hurt his feelings, but this was Ben.He didn’t have any feelings.

“Well, if you’re sure, I’ll get you that laudanum.Be right back.”

And that was that.He didn’t even try to change her mind.She would have loved to have him cuddle with her.Hold her until she slept.But he didn’t really want to be with her.After all she’d just killed his mother.On some level, he had to hate her.

Ben walked out of the bedroom feeling like he’d been slapped.In a way he guessed he had, and he deserved it.He’d always made it clear that he had no love to give, so how was he supposed to explain that he’d been wrong?

He gathered hot water and the willow bark tea, deciding to save the laudanum for a night when she needed to sleep.The tea would, hopefully, give her enough relief.Ben also put a cup of coffee for him on the tray and two of her special tea cake cookies for each of them.