Page 83 of Shut Up and Drive

I couldn’t look at her in my broken state and feel worthy of her. When I did go out in public, the stares of strangers buried me under their judgment. They whispered in shopsand cafes: “There’s the boy that almost killed Sebastian Spencer.”

I couldn’t handle the weight of their criticism on my young shoulders, so I broke down in front of my dad one night. The next thing I knew, he had arranged for me to do charity work in Costa Rica and I had a plane ticket with my name on it.

He told me it was to give me a purpose outside of myself. But I believed it was because he was ashamed of me.

I was ashamed of me too.

I left two days later without saying goodbye, never knowing that it would be five years until I’d return. I wrote postcards and letters to Sera almost every week, but never sent them. I just shoved them into a backpack pocket and let them be one more thing that weighed me down. I saw her mirage weave in and out of busy crowds in foreign countries, but I never reached her in time. I carried her in my heart every day I was away, but never told her how sorry I was for abandoning her. It was the heaviest baggage I carried, a punishment I never put down.

After the guilt from the accident numbed, I turned to hating myself for hurting Sera, and I welcomed every misfortune that found me. I deserved to be miserable. I faked a smile in photos and forced a laugh at parties. But I was never truly happy.

When I ran out of places to run, I skulked home with my tail between my legs—scared to face whatever pain Sera wished upon me, but ready to get it over with.

Then I saw her that day crossing the lawn at her parents’ house, and everything I came home to do changed. Suddenly,I wanted more than anything for her to forgive me, but also to—maybe, possibly—love me again.

Chapter 36

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

Thane

“Why did you do it?” she asks when I finish my story of what really happened that night. “Why did you take the fall?”

“I was lost. My brother and sister were so driven and in school to do great things. I had no plan and no path forward—but Bash did. And I couldn’t let one big mistake destroy the rest of his life. On top of all that, I didn’t deserve to have your heart. I did the only thing I could think of to give myself value—even if I was the only one who knew the truth.”

“Everyone who loves you has always seen your value, Thane.”

“I know that now—kind of. But I saw an opportunity to do something to help my best friend. Whether it was the right choice or not, I needed to keep him from becoming aimless like me. I needed to fill the voidsinside me with something selfless and brave. But lying to everyone I love only made me feel emptier.”

“So you pulled away from us.From me,” Sera says, her eyes casting down to the wringing hands in her lap. She sniffles. “All this time, I thought I’d done something wrong. Like you’d changed your mind and didn’t have the heart to tell me.”

“That was the furthest thing from the truth, Fina. The last person I wanted to hurt was you.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? I could’ve been there for you.”

“I tried. I came over to your house one night, still covered in bruises, determined that I would come clean with you, no matter what the fallout might be. I walked through the door without knocking like I always did, but stopped when I heard your parents talking in the kitchen. I wanted to make some noise—announce that I had come in—but then I heard what they were talking about and I froze.”

“What were they saying?” she asks.

“I heard your dad say to your mom—“ I pause to swallow the lump in my throat. Having those words so close to the surface hurts all over again. “He said, ‘He’s not a good influence on her. I think it will be a good thing for him to leave for a bit and get some discipline in his life.’ It was easy to assume they were talking about me.”

“But did you know that for sure?”

“Well, no. But the way everyone turned on me after the accident, it only made sense.”

Suddenly, we hear a throat clear from behind us and weboth turn toward the sound. Mrs. Spencer stands at the top of the stairs with two bowls.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you two, but this is the last of the homemade ice cream, and I figure you’d want some before it got eaten.”

We both take our bowls numbly and set them on the coffee table in front of us. “Thank you, Mama,” Sera says.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but since Ididoverhear, can I add something to clear the air?” she asks, twisting the dish towel in her hands.

“Of course,” I say softly.

“That conversation you heard between Jack and me was not about you, Thane. It was about Sebastian. We saw what his blood alcohol level was on his chart. We know that he was getting himself—and you—into trouble. We didn’t want him to drag Serafina into it as well. And the discipline we spoke of was what we hoped he’d find when he trained for the Secret Service. Which he did. We never thought you were a bad influence on Sera. We have actually prayed that you two would finally unite our families for good.”

“Hence, the forced road trip?” Sera asks.