Page 41 of Shut Up and Drive

“I can honestly say that while I was away, I was the most content traveling through Europe. I stopped focusing on myself and started looking outward. When I had bad days, I made it a point to help as many people as possible in the subway, or buy a homeless person a meal—not because I was trying to prove my worth, but because it was all that I had to give. I realized then that I couldn’t make myself feel better by earning it, but the joy in helping others was enough. I think that’s when I finally started to heal a bit.”

“Heal from what?”

“Again, that’s deep water stuff.”

I exhale my frustration. I can’t blame anyone but myself for his lack of important details, but I try again anyway.

“Why don’t we ever talk about the accident, Thane?”

“That’s a pretty big jump, assuming I was referring to the accident, Fina.”

“Is it a correct one?”

“Partly, yes.”

“Can we talk about it now?”

His posture slacks in defeat and it’s his turn to avoid eye contact.

“I figured the police report said it all.” His voice shakes under the strain. “I totaled Bash’s car, hurt my best friend almost to the brink of death. The cherry on top was that I disappointed our families and the whole town.”

“People weren’t disappointed in you.”

“Sure they were. I saw the look in their eyes at church and around town. You think I didn’t hear them whisper when I walked by? ‘That’s the kid.’ ‘That’s the one who almost killed Sebastian Spencer.’ I heard it all. I felt it all. It was such a heavy burden for my young shoulders to carry.”

“But you don’t owe anyone anything. Most of them were basically strangers. You didn’t have to leave on their account.”

With a voice flooded with vulnerability, he replies, “I know.” Then he pauses to corral his emotion. “But then one night I was coming over to see you, and I overheard your parents talking in the kitchen…”

He blinks back tears forming in his eyes, and I want to loop my pinky finger into his—just like old times. Instead, I hand him a napkin from the console and lay my hand on his leg. He wipes his face and crumples the napkin up before shoving it in the door handle.

“I’m sorry, this is so stupid. It was years ago and I’m still being a big baby about it,” he says.

“Have you ever talked about this with anyone before?”

“No.”

“Then no matter how much time has passed, you still have unhealed wounds from it. Don’t be ashamed to feel what you need to, Thane. Especially in front of me.”

“Especially in front of youis the hardest part, Fina. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for letting you down the way I did.”

I take a deep breath. I know that so much of my own healing from this needs to happen as well, but seeing Thane this raw scares me, and I backoff.

“We can put a pin in that conversation too,” I say in my cowardice.

Thane nods, accepting my suggestion. He sits in silence to compose himself. I don’t look over at him so he has as much privacy as I can give him in this tiny car, but I hear him softly cry for a few miles. I grab my own napkin and let a few more tears fall as well.

Healing hurts.

A ding sounds from the dashboard and the low fuel light turns on.

“Crap, I didn’t fill up last time we stopped, did I?”

Chapter 15

KARMA IS DEFINITELY A GIRL’S-GIRL

Thane