Page 23 of Shut Up and Drive

“I do,” I quip, ignoring her distress call.

Pearl stands at the edge of the bed and smooths out the opened blanket. She gapes at Sera expectantly, and her stare is enough to stop bird poop mid-air.

I clear my throat and motion with my head from behind Pearl for Sera to obey, then give her a knowing wink. After a quick look that should’ve killed me, she obliges and reluctantly climbs in. Pearl rolls Sera onto her side, and in no time flat the back of the blanket is laced up so tight I wonder if Sera can breathe. She lies there, stiff as a board, looking like a swaddled baby. Pearl turns to me, and with a crooked, arthritic finger pointing in my face, says, “I’m expectingbothof you to be on your best behavior now. You hear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I respond, trying to stay in character.

“Now, you two get some sleep. The storm should pass by morning.”

Then she disappears back down the stairwell with the glow of her flashlight.

I shut the door and lock it before turningto face Sera in her papoose. The laughter I withheld while Pearl was in the room explodes out of me.

“Thane! Stop laughing! The joke is over, now come untie me!” she demands, trying to wiggle loose. “She’s got me so tight in here I feel like a mental patient in a straitjacket.”

“You look like a caterpillar squirming around like that,” I say between gasps.

“This isn’t funny anymore. Please come untie me, I’m starting to panic-sweat!”

My face begins to ache, and my belly laugh causes my stomach to cramp, but I can’t contain myself.

“Fina, this is the whipped cream and cherry on top of the day. If there was more than candlelight in here, I’d snap a photo of this too.” I pause to breathe. “In fact, maybe using the flash will be enough. That way I can remember this forever.”

“Do it and you’ll regret it!”

“I might, but I’m going to do it anyway,” I say, grabbing my phone and snapping a photo of her.

I glance down at my screen. “This turned out great. The flash made it better than I thought it would.” I snap my fingers like I just got a great idea. “I know! I’ll create an album of the pictures I’ve taken of you so far. If in just one day I’ve caught you upside down in a sunroofandin an antique straitjacket, this week is going to beawesome.”

“The list of ways I will get back at you is only growing, Thane!” she yells.

“Hey, keep it down. People are trying to sleep, Fina,” I whisper.

She thrusts her shoulders side to side and kicks her legs. “I will murder you in your sleep,” she hisses.

“I seriously doubt that. Look at you. You can’t even scratch your own nose. I’ll be safe and sound,” I reply, then walk into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

“Thane! Thane! Get back here and help me! Thane!”

I shut the door to the bathroom to dampen her threats. I take an amazingly long, hot shower by candlelight, then slowly comb my hair and brush my teeth. It feels good to do some self-care—especially at the expense of Sera wiggling in the other room like a worm. I laugh to myself and put my toiletries away meticulously.

I round the corner into the bedroom and my heart sinks. The place where Sera had been is empty. I search the candlelit darkness, only to be blindsided by what can only be described as a flying burrito.

Sera flings herself from the desk beside me straight into my body, knocking me onto the bed. Our heads smack together when she lands on me, bringing back the bloody nose I’d gotten earlier in Philly. She slithers and rolls over onto the bed next to me, but the momentum she has makes her roll too hard, and she ends up on the floor with a thud.

“That… didn’t go as planned,” her muffled voice says from the floor.

“You think?!” I cup my nose and climb to the edge of the bed and peer over the side.

There, on the floor, lies Sera face-down. She rocks a few times to try and flip herself over, but she’s wedged so tightly between the bed and the wall that no matter how much effort she puts into it, she only makes the situation worse.

“My arms are pinned underneath me, and I’m prettysure this carpet hasn’t been replaced since the 1970s. It smells funny, and I’m trying not to think about all the organisms living beneath my face right now. Please help me,” comes a faint whimper.

“Hang on, I’m bleeding all over the place.”

I run into the bathroom to grab a tissue, tear it in half, and shove it up my nose. Then I quickly wash my hands and run back to assess the situation Sera got herself in. I lie on my belly at the edge of the bed and begin tugging at the laces.

“Man, Pearl sure knows how to tie an inescapable knot,” I say, struggling against the ties. “I’ll bet she has a merit badge for it.”