Page 56 of Knot in the Wedding Cards

Something crosses her face, fast, gone.

"You memorized the appendix."

"I memorized all of it."

Because it's the only love letter you'll accept from me…a list of everything I'm not allowed to do.

"It's the most important document anyone's ever handed me. Seemed rude to skim."

She adjusts her grip on the clipboard.

Taps her pen against the edge, three times, unconsciously, and I would give a year of my life to tell her I noticed she still does that.

I say nothing, though, because noticing is a thing I don't get to do out loud anymore.

"I need to say one thing," I tell her. "Not on the clock, so start the clock after. It's not a question, and it doesn't want an answer."

Her jaw sets.

"Make it quick."

"I drove the car."

The words land in the space between us and sit there, in the sea light, with the gulls going and a kid laughing somewhere down on the sand.

"I've heard a lot of versions of that day get told back to me over the years," I say. "None of it is worthy of an explanation of what happened that day. What commenced. We’re not going to stand here and dive into it, because that will lead into overtime and the clock is already ticking towards my own demise in that department.” He catches the slight hint of an uptick in the corner of her lip that she’s surely suppressing so I can suffer as I continue my piece of a confession.One of many.“I’m not going to stand here and justify what we did as right or wrong. This isn’t the place for that conversation…though…I’ll leave it to fate to give us the opportunity for that to transpire when the timing is right, and your heart is ready for it.”

I pause on purpose to look into her eyes, but she’s a blank slate now, which makes me nervous as fuck. It also makes it hard for me to keep my thought process rolling, which is probably why I’m standing there like a deer in headlights.

She arches an eyebrow, before she whispers, “Anything else you’d like to admit?”

That I fucking miss you? That I want to cup your cheeks and kiss you senseless? That I’d love to peel that peachy dress off your sexy body and fuck you here and now instead of having wet dreams night after night.

“No…”

Yes. Fuck…yes. Just say the word.

I open my mouth to try to get the admission out of me, but it’s stuck in my throat, as if it’s trying to suffocate me instead. Frustrating to say the least because I can be open with myMother, Theo, and probably the whole town with my emotions, but I’m getting cold feet with the woman I love and yearn to fight for because I’m tired of being a fucking coward.

Which clearly I’m failing at because where the fuck is this conversation going? To Hell?

For a moment, she doesn't speak.

The green in her eyes has gone bright, and her scent sharpens at the edge, a thread of spiced citrus cutting through the apricot, which I know means anger.

I brace for its fruition.

I've earned every degree of it.

"Acknowledgment," she says, and her voice is terribly even, "doesn't repair anything, Cade. You understand that? You can name it perfectly. You can itemize your own crime like a bar tab. It doesn't buy back a single day."

Everyone is being blunt with me lately. Maybe I deserve it.

"I know."

"You keep saying that."

"Because it keeps being true, and because I'm done saying things that aren't."