Page 146 of Shades of Grey & Gold

“NO!” I’m yelling at the still-shadowed figure now; I throw the word across the room like it’ll make it make sense.

Hands are raised, palms out towards me and the ceiling, like the last time I saw him, but this time he’s looking at me and not at three men with guns.

“Please. Let me expla—”

“NO.”

I take a step back into Nico’s chest, vaguely registering I step on his foot, and he stumbles to the side, and I whirl around, focusing all of my attention on him instead of the ghost behind us.

“You—NO. I—” My head spins, but my eyes bore into Nico’s. “I held your mom’s hand while she s-sobbed. I watched you lower him into the ground. I hugged your sisters.”

My voice is cracking, my breaths are wheezing, but I don’t stop. “You picked me up when the building exploded—when the building exploded with him in it, Nico.”

“Yes.”

The voice comes again from behind me while Nico nods slowly, his palms raised up mirroring the shadow behind me as I turn again.

No. No. No.

The waves of every possible emotion hit me in the dark.

Confusion.

Sadness.

Relief.

Betrayal.

Terror.

Confusion, again.

Anger.

I’m hyperventilating.

My breaths are uneven and fast and my body doesn’t feel like my own.

I think I’m floating above myself.

“No.” I push myself backwards before I can manage to look up, demanding my feet move.

I turn again, the floor threatening to rush up to meet me as the room tilts, but I run down the familiar hallway. I run like he told me to run the day of the explosion.

The ringing in my ears is worse now, and the only sound I hear is muffled words and the metal keycard that slips from my fingertips, letting out dull metal thuds as it hits the floor.

My feet carry me straight into the familiar bedroom—our bedroom—and my hands are scratching at the door lock after it slams behind me.

My palms and my forehead are flat against the cold wood of the door.

My breath is shallow and, feeling fully hysterical, I push against the door with my hands, squeezing my eyes shut as tight as they can get.

My heart is pounding in my ears and the space around my head feels like it’s spinning.

My legs feel like they are tangled around me.

But I’m standing. I can feel the wood of the door.