Page 139 of Shades of Grey & Gold

“Congratulations,Max.”Afamiliar,gruff voice is barely above a whisper behind me as graduation caps flood my view.

As I turn, I blink into golden-green Renzetti eyes, a bit grayer than the ones that visit me in my dreams. My smile cracks, or slips off the edge of a cliff.

“Nico.”

The brother of the man who changed everything stands before me; his hands loopedbehind his back.

It’s been ten weeks and the grief still isn’t gone.

I have seen Nico from afar when he occasionally switches out with Gio or Rudi on Max-Watch—this is what Becca has been calling it. But it’s been almost a month since the wedding—since my last breakdown.

Almost four weeks where I poured every ounce of energy I had into finishing this semester so I could graduate. Because that’s what I needed. Or at least that’s what he would have wanted me to do—finish school, take the bar, get a kick ass job and take care of myself.

“Thank you for coming, Nico.”

His eyes are soft; he looks older somehow, like the weight of the world in the past month has pressed upon him. And I suppose their world has been on his shoulders.

The last two times he was this close to me, he ended up having to carry me.

I refused to go back to their mother’s house, politely declining when Maggie or Sophia called or texted to invite me over.

I got together with both of them for dinner a week ago. They said I needed a girls’ night to celebrate my graduation, so Becca and I met them out at a fancy restaurant and got lost in conversations about their lives, their jobs, and the gossip of strangers.

And at the end of the night, they hugged me just a little too long, and the grief came flooding back.

But I didn’t let myself drown. Because I had to get through today.

Nico and Becca continue to argue but do so at work rather than in our apartment, because I wasn’t sure I could handle being around him after my heaving sobs in the car on the way back from the wedding.

I take a step towards Nico, and suddenly my arms are heavy, unsure whether we hug or just nod at each other. I’ve avoided him specifically because he reminds me of his brother—so much that it makes my eyes and nose and body burn.

We seem to decide the answer at the same time because our arms loop softly around each other simultaneously, his arms stopping to hold me at arm’s length to place a soft kiss on my right cheek, and then my left.

The gesture makes something inside of me break; memories of his brother, meeting their family, and all the moments I have buried to get through the last ten weeks start flooding through me.

I glance down, willing the emotions to go back into the box I so fiercely have kept closed. Willing the tears not to fall.

I notice his hands are each holding a small package, and I cringe internally thinking about accepting a present from the newly crowned mafia boss brother of my dead boyfriend-slash-mafia-boss.

His mouth tilts up on one side.

“I know it’s been a few weeks, I hope it’s alright I came. I know you haven’t been around the house and I, uh, I understand. And I won’t take too much of your time.” He glances around me, waving two fingers at Becca standing behind me pretending to mind her own business.

The other fingers on that same hand are looped through the handles of a small gift bag.

“Thank you for coming. It means—” My voice cracks, realizing I’m unsure how to finish the sentence.

It means something, him being here. It’s not nothing.

But him showing up here is more heartbreaking than anything else—him showing up in the place his brother should have stood, hugging me and giving me presents.

His eyes meet mine and his lips pull tightly across his face in a knowing expression.

“We all are so proud of you, me and Sophia and Maggie and Ma. You’ve accomplished so much.” I lift my mouth, hoping it’s giving some semblance of a smile as he continues speaking, “You have so many of us behind you if you ever need anything.”

“Yeah, it’s been okay, Becca and I have a nice routine.” I send a look over my shoulder at my best friend, my pillar of strength, then sigh, my fingers twisting around each other.

Becca and I quickly settled into our new apartment with Bart and picked up a strict routine.