Page 128 of Shades of Grey & Gold

He’s uncomfortable, and I don’t think I care.

I’m still bitter about his display of annoyance at the funeral.

He walks to the table with a full plate and kisses his mom on the cheek.

“Thanks for dinner, Ma.” He clears his throat as he moves to stand in front of the only empty chair beside me.

The smell hits me first and my breath catches in my throat. Cedar, leather and smoke—no, not smoke, not burnt salt: gunpowder. Nico smells like I could close my eyes and his brother would be standing in his place.

And I think I might pass out.

He stands for way too long, shifting from one foot to the other, and I stare straight ahead at the spot between Maggie and Sophia.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Nicolas,” his mother mumbles, covering her forehead with a shaky palm and sighing.

“Sit down, you ape, good God,” Sophia adds, swatting at him.

He clears his throat again and sets the plate in front of the empty chair.

“Sorry, Max.”

“It’s, um—” I set my napkin next to the plate in front of me and try to force a smile with a swallow. “It’s your house, Nico, it’s your chair, it’s fine, it’s—”

I feel my nose burn and choke on the words.

“Excuse me.”

I stand up carefully, avoiding eye contact.

I walk fast to the little bathroom by the stairs. I close the door quietly, then slide down the back of it like a dramatic scene in a movie. But my legs won’t hold me up.

I’m gulping air in through my mouth and trying not to cry. The smell still lingers in my nose and the tears start.

I hear quiet conversation filtering in through the hallway behind the door, but I can’t make out the words.

My own thoughts are flying through my head instead:

I have to get out of here.

I shouldn’t have come.

I should never have come.

I should have known that it’d be full of memories and just lead to this. Lead to me, on the floor of their bathroom, hysterical.

I lie down, pressing my hot, tear-streaked cheek to the cool black tile and cry silently.

I think of the plane ride; of stepping into the penthouse the first time; of being in his arms up and down the stairs and in the study, in his office.

His smile.

His eyes.

Our future that can’t be our future anymore.

He is all I need.

And I spent so long without him.