Page 170 of On His Mind

“You have?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah, but I never told them about us.” I mention it because I’m worried that’s what he’s thinking.

He surprises me when he says, “You could have.”

“It wasn’t mine to tell.”

He looks at my hands and then at my face. “I don’t deserve you, Penelope.”

That makes me want to cry. “Is that why you haven’t called?”

His eyes travel down my face. “I thought you didn’t want me to call.”

I press my lips together.

His eyes stay on his jacket wrapped around me. “I didn’t know you wanted me to call. I would have, Penelope. I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

I don’t say anything.

Then he says without looking at me, “You don’t want to be with me.” He says it flat, to the frozen sidewalk, and I don’t know if he’s asking me or telling me.

And then, after a long moment, he says, “Do you?”

I look at him red-eared, freezing, shoulders gone tense on the bench like he doesn’t want to know the answer.

Then he looks at me.

“I would understand,” he says before I can say something, the words coming faster now. “I’ve been trying to give you your space––”

“Percy, wanting you was never the problem,” I blurt before I lose my nerve.

He goes still.

“That was never a problem,” I repeat. “It’s not what broke us.”

I look down at the card. My hand’s shaking, from the cold and from the rest of it.

“I need to know what’s different,” I say. “Your friends and my friends.” I hand him the card back. “They’re upstairs. They went all out for us, and you’re not up there, and I don’t understand because I thought this was what you wanted. I thought that was the problem, but it’s not, is it?”

He doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I feel the whole thing starting to slip, because this is the part he’s never been able to do. I tuck my fingers into the sleeves and hug myself tighter.

“I’m scared,” he finally says, and my heart sinks because I wasn’t expecting that. It comes out low and rough, aimed at the sidewalk. “I’m not used to this.” His hands rub his chin and then he covers his mouth for a moment. He clamps his hands together and continues, “Hawthorne was the first place in my life where I could breathe.” He nods deep in thought. “And I thought that there was no way that life handed me two good things at once, so I fucked it up with you. I knew what you were asking, and I couldn’t do it –– but I love you, Penelope.”

His voice is in pieces, and every word is in English, not in French.

He turns his head, and his eyes land on mine. My chest goes tight.

“I knew the moment you spilled that drink on me––” He lifts both eyebrows. “Onus–– my freshman year that I loved you.” He watches me as something flickers on his face. “I need you to not go to Chicago,” he says.

I look at his face, seeing if he’s serious. “No?” I whisper.

“No.” One corner of his mouth goes. “The guys have this trip. Last one before they graduate, they’re making it a whole thing. There’s a bed for us.” He stops. “They know about us because I told them everything.”

“Are you asking me on a ski trip, Percy Deveroux?”

He smiles at that, hesitating. Then he leans back, keeping his eyes on mine. “Actually, I’m asking you to be mine where peoplecan see,” he says. Then he leans in and murmurs, “The skiing’s extra.”

I smile at that, looking at his handsome face. “I ski, for the record.”