Page 115 of On His Mind

It buzzes at eleven-forty, when I’m already in bed.

Percy: We lost.

Me: I watched.

There’s a pause, long enough that I picture him in the dark in his hotel room.

Percy: You watched?

Me: Yes, at Gianna’s. The camera showed the bench once. I saw you.

Percy: Wish I could see you.

Percy: The hotel’s quiet. I can’t sleep on these things.

I stare at the screen, and my heart warms knowing that he’s staring at his, waiting for my reply.

Percy: It’s late. You should get some sleep.

Percy: I’ll see you tomorrow.

Me: Sweet dreams.

I fall asleep with the phone in my hand.

The next morning, I have a cozy YouTube video on the TV. Someone is traveling through Europe and visiting bakeries. Ivory comes around the corner mid-yawn while I’m rolling up my yoga mat and stacking the weights. She closes one eye and watches me.

“Good morning,” I say, feeling light.

“Okay, what is going on with you?” She rubs her tired eyes and yawns again. She walks over to the kitchen. “You’re glowing, and usually you’re so uptight.” She walks to the sink. “You left dishes in the sink from last night. You never do that. Okay. Seriously. Who is he?”

“What?” I ask, picking up my water and taking a sip.

“Oh,” she mocks, narrowing her eyes at me. “There is absolutely someone.” She points. “Who is he?”

“I’m just in a good mood. It’s Sunday. You know how much I love Sunday resets.”

“You know, you’re actually never in a good mood per se, you’re just always together. Right now I can tell something’s going on.” She exhales, turning to the fridge. “Fine. Don’t tell me, but when you finally do, I want the whole thing from start to finish, and I want to know why you’re being secretive about it.”

“Okay,” I say, but I know I can’t tell her any of it. I’d lose him if I did.

She lets it go easily. She’s Ivory. She respects boundaries. She’s already onto Drew. But the reality of my situation makes me feel a little down. If something feels this good, shouldn’t it be okay to share my joy?

I sit with that longer than I mean to. Because everything good in my life has always been something I could show — a grade, a project, a firm with a name people recognized, clothes my mom buys, a nice car. My mother built me to be seen, to be held up, to be the daughter people asked about at dinner. And the first thing I have ever wanted with every part of me is something I have to keep to myself. Hawthorne would take him from me if they knew. I can’t have him where anyone can see, and I didn’t understand what that meant until just now.

Then my phone buzzes, and I forget all of it.

Percy: Back tonight. House should be down by midnight.

The butterflies come back, and so does my smile.

Me: Come over?

Percy: Yeah.

Percy: I can’t wait to see you.

I have to put the phone down for a second, because my heart is skipping around in my chest at his words. The quiet man who doesn’t put himself out there is telling me sweet things likeI can’t wait to see you.