Page 104 of On His Mind

Stanley laughs from the living room.

Rowan drops a plate of dinner in front of me, and I look up. “Smells delicious, Laurens. Thanks.”

He nods. “Eat your vegetables.”

Stanley runs into the kitchen. “Is dinner done?”

He glances at my plate and then goes to the cabinet to grab a plate to make his own. “I’m starving, man. This looks good.”

The guys pile in, sit down, and eat. Stanley’s going on about some NHL game, and then Benson, not looking up from his plate, says, “You good, Deveroux? After yesterday.” He doesn’t make it a thing. He just asks. And Blue’s eyes come up off his food and land on me too, quiet, the way they do.

“Fine,” I say.

Benson holds it a second, then lets it go, and Stanley’s already onto something else. But I feel them watching me, worried in the way this house worries, and the one thing that would explain any of it is a girl I can’t say a word about. I sit there and eat and give them nothing, and I hate that I can’t hand them the truth even while they’re asking for it. I’ve learned to watch their cues, so I sit at the table until dinner’s long done, and the guys start yawning.

Everyone is in bed by eleven. Rowan first, then the game ends, and Benson and Stanley drift off. Blue is last. He goes up without a word.

When the house falls silent, it almost feels ridiculous that I’m waiting up for a girl in the dark like this. I read to pass the time and don’t take in a word of it. By ten to midnight, my leg won’t stop. I don’t know if something’s wrong or if she just needs to not be alone. It’s eating me alive. My palms start to sweat with each passing minute.

Five minutes till midnight, and I’m turning off all the ceiling lights. I take a step outside and walk down the street to where she parked before. I glance up at the house I live in, double-checking nobody is looking out their windows. They’re not. I’m in the clear.

Penelope walks around the corner, and my breath stalls. She’s always been striking, but I let myself admire her for a minute as she walks towards me. Shit, I’m fucked tonight. I notice that she parked further away this time, and I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Idon’t know what the fuck to do with my sweating palms, so I just stand there and watch her walk closer.

“Hi,” she whispers when she’s close enough.

Her eyes burn holes in me so deep that I feel it in my stomach, so I quickly look away before I completely lose my mind.

“Hi,” I reply, looking back at the windows to make sure none of them are peeping out their curtains. The house is sleeping.

“Everything good?” she asks.

I nod. “Yeah.”

I let her in the back and take her up through the dark house. I don’t touch her this time. Once we’re in my bedroom, I close my door behind us and lock it.

I watch her walk to my bed and sit on the edge. She’s completely comfortable in here, I realize. I take the three steps to my desk and sit in the chair.

After a while, she whispers, “Are you okay?”

“I’m tired.” It’s a shit reply because I can’t tell her the truth, which is that my heart’s in my throat and I can barely breathe. And that it’s worse when she’s not around. I don’t know what the hell’s happening to me. I lean back in the chair and think about the text message.Please.

She watches me for a long moment. “I heard about practice.”

The thought swims through me, but it doesn’t land. What happened at practice is unimportant. I don’t respond.

“You ran Theo into the boards,” she whispers.

I mutter, “It was a drill.”

“Percy.”

“Guys get hit in drills.”

She’s quiet with those curious eyes staring straight through me. My heart kicks up in speed, and I refuse to look at her because tonight there’s something in me that I never had before, and I don’t trust myself right now, so I’m studying the floor.

“I’m not with Theo,” she says.

It comes out of nowhere, so I don’t know how to respond.