Page 207 of What We Bury
“Safe from what, exactly? From us?”
He looks up, and for a second, it’s like he wants to hit me. “No, Holden. From me. The rest of you are all too busy thinking with your dicks to realize setting her free is the right move. She isn’t one of us. We shouldn’t be dragging her into the dark with us.”
I smile without humor. “Setting her free. That what we’re calling gutting her and leaving her bleeding on her own kitchen floor?”
His nostrils flare. “You weren’t there.”
“No. I got there after. Saw enough.”
“You saw the aftermath of something that needed to happen.”
“Bullshit.” I lean on the bar, close enough that if he wants to swing, he won’t have to reach. “You needed to dump your crisis on somebody and she was there.”
His eyes go flat. Dangerous flat. “Careful.”
“Or what?”
He says nothing. That’s answer enough.
I laugh once under my breath. “I’m going to say something, and I want you to hear it before you walk off. Can you do that?”
He glances over. I take it as a yes.
“You’re the leader. Signed up for it. Nobody’s asking you to quit doing that.” I let that breathe. “But you have got to stop confusing being the leader with being alone. They’re not the same thing. You’ve welded them together in your head, and we’re tired of watching you carry it like it makes you noble—especially when it hurts Sage. But even more than that, you’re hurting yourself too.”
He looks away.
“When I was on patrol, I had a partner. Carl Steyer. Seventeen years on the job, best cop I ever worked with. Had a heart attack in our cruiser, three months out from his pension. Carl was the guy—the one who never asked for anything, who held it all behind the seam of his uniform until his heart quit. Every man on his shift cried at that funeral, and not one of us told him while he was breathing that he didn’t have to carry it alone.” I look at the bottles behind the bar. “I don’t want to cry at your funeral, Eli. I don’t want to stand there filled with regret because I stood by and watched you refuse the one thing Iknowwill make you happy.”
He laughs, still looking at his beer. “Do you realize how insane that sounds? How insaneit all is? Even if I overlook the things we do, there are five of us and only one of her.”
“What’s your point?”
He closes his eyes. Shakes his head like I don’t get it. But I do. I fucking do.
“I’m in love with her too,” I say bluntly. “Whether we’re all ready to admit it out loud or not doesn’t change the truth of it. We’re all in this. You. Me. Those three outside. There’s no version where you get to be the pure one standing apart while the rest of us carry the guilt for wanting her. We claimed her together. She claimedustogether.”
“Holden—”
“You don’t have to decide anything today. You don’t have to joke with Milo or kiss Micah in the parking lot or do any of the shit you use to scare yourself into keeping your distance. You just have to stop pretending you’re not already in this. The only thing the pretending does is make the rest of us feel like assholes for being honest.”
He’s quiet a long time.
“Her roommate teaches at my school, Holden.”
“I know.”
“You knew?”
“Sure. I’m a detective, Eli. I do detective things like knowing who the fuck is living with our girlfriend.” I lift a hand before he can snap. “And yes, I know it’s a problem. A real one. But it’s not a reason to burn the whole thing down before we’ve even tried to manage it.”
He huffs.
“What did Milo say to you out there?”
He’s quiet for a second. “He said I didn’t have to do this alone.” He shakes his head. “But I can’t risk the classroom because I can’t keep my dick under control. Amy could end my career with one sentence.”
“We’ll handle it. We build a cover if we need one. Keep your school life and Sage’s apartment life from touching where they shouldn’t. If Amy asks questions, we answer carefully. If it getsofficial, I handle the official. You don’t solve it alone—that’s the whole point we’ve all been making.”
